What am I doing with my life?

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I’m writing this because I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life.

I’m at a crossroads right now.

As a NOT future-oriented person, I’m very resistant to chasing after goals set by a version of me that is very young and naive.

At gatherings, I always felt a little bit left out and confused. A huge part of my social anxiety comes from having to answer what I want to do with life.

In “Understanding and Treating Addiction”, Dr. Anna Lembke shared that she had many students asking her advice on breaking video game addiction and finding interesting things to do. Her advice?

Finding your passion" is not how it works.

Stop looking for it. Look around right where you are. See what needs to be done. Doesn't have to be a grandiose work. There's so much work that needs to be done that nobody wants to do. You don't have to search the perfect thing. Look at the jobs presenting themselves to you. Do that simply and honorably one day at a time. Do that with humility.

You're waiting for that thing to pulls you out of the video game world, but you're never gonna find it as long as you're playing video games.The intervention is give up the video games and reset the neuro pathway.

In an attempt to reset my dopamine pathway, I gave up TikTok, Instagram, Discord, Twitter, and Netflix for three weeks. It’s been life-changing. My external life conditions hadn’t changed much, but boring moments got more tolerable. Somehow, the colors of the trees seem brighter and more vibrant.

I am beginning to develop agency over my life, forget trying to please others. Danielle L. Vermeer illuminated in her essay, “Cottagecore, girlboss culture, & the end of ambition,”

Agency is the drive to play a game you created. Chart your own path. Forget politics. Work when, how, and where you want. Lean in—to your unique why.

A game with no safety zones

I am not interested in the corporation’s wet dream, a hypergrowth game of Monopoly.

I care about finding meaning and agency in one’s unique life.

Anything that happened right now will just be a long dash between your birth date & death date on the gravestone. So why should you live your life according to others’ rules? Why are you playing it safe?

Embracing fear

Become someone who is uncomfortable unless she is creating change, restless if things are standing still, and disappointed if she hasn't failed recently.

Challenging yourself to do what you are afraid of.

For me, I have a fear of being seen online. Creating anything and sharing it on the internet terrified me night after night. But I’m forcing myself to do it anyway, as a way to organize my thoughts.

In “On Writing Well”, author William Zinsser said we can use writing to expand our intellectual confidence:

Believe in your own identity and your own opinions. Proceed with confidence, generating it, if necessary, by pure willpower. Writing is an act of ego and you might as well admit it. Use its energy to keep yourself going.

Are you also interested in self-discovery? Here are some questions you should ponder.

10 Questions to Ask Yourself

  1. What is your current job? Give it a score (1-10)

  2. When I was a child, I loved doing…

  3. If money didn’t matter, I would be…

  4. Taking into account my current life situation, here are some jobs I can try in the next 5 years…

  5. If I only had six months to live, I would spend my time…

  6. List 3 accomplishments you felt good about

  7. List countries, cities, or any place you want to live in

  8. List moments where you’ve felt light and joy in your chest

  9. Picture your ideal day. What does it look like?

  10. What advice would you give to your younger self?

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