Person 1’s preference: I want to talk to you
Person 2’s preference: I want to talk to you
Person 1’s behavior: Silence/Inaction
Person 2’s behavior: Silence/Inaction
Person 1’s hypothesis: You don’t want anything to do with me (or other worrisome fantasy)
Person 2’s hypothesis: You don’t want anything to do with me (or other worrisome fantasy)
Result: No contact
Explanation: Failed mindreading leads to a mutually unwanted outcome.
Remedy: Curiosity + Falsification + Reframe + Action
Curiosity: Add questionmark to the hypothesis. You don’t want anything to do with me? Hm, that might be true. It might be untrue. I don’t know. Let me try to figure it out.
Falsification: Why would you suddenly don’t want to talk to me when we’ve had so many conversation thus far? That doesn’t fit with my hypothesis. Why did you seem to enjoy our last interaction if you don’t want anything to do with me? That doesn’t fit with my hypothesis.
Reframe: What is the worst that could happen if I disclose my own preference? The worst that could happen is that you disclose the opposite preference. That will hurt, but then I know what’s actually going on. What is the best that could happen? That you disclose the same preference me, and that our relationship continues.
Action: Disclose my preference in a non-blaming way: “It’s been a long time since we’ve spoken. I enjoy our conversations. Do you want to talk?”
And while all this makes rational sense, it feels so scary to do…
The fear of rejection is such a strong force.