A decade of hallucinations

Today I learned of simple and complex hallucinations. And that hallucinations have been a bigger part of my life than I thought so.

Very often, I see a splash of colour or texture in any room I’m in, so I follow it around with my eyes. They can take up a small space or cover up to one-fourth of my vision, however, it does not seem like it covers anything because it is a part of my world.

When I describe myself, my behaviour, it is of staying afar, staring at walls, textile, and objects, and physically touching them more than a regular person amount. As if while a regular person can look at things and understand them, I would look at things and, at first, prove to myself that it is real by my sense of touch and then I will spend time understanding them.

This has become a characteristic of me after a decade-long living with hallucinations.

A year and a half ago, my therapist and my psychiatrist told me that I have a certain degree of depersonalization-derealization. That is how I come up with the regular person amount, because till then—even now actually — my reality of simple and complex hallucinations feels regular to me.

There have been a few times when I’ve been caught up in derealization for hours before exhausting myself and then experiencing actual reality. There have been a few times, the intensity has been exactly as to real-world. And mostly they are small duration, less-intense depersonalization experiences triggered when I have to express a feeling.

So instead of crying, instead of shouting, instead of expressing excitement, my brain would rather dissociate and make up unreal worlds.

Chapter: Persistence of Vision from the book “The Mind’s Eye” by Oliver Sacks

It’s beautiful too, right? I get to experience rain when it’s not, leaves falling to the ground in all seasons, more stars in the night sky, pet dogs and cats from across the road, be more prepared for accidents, and see so many more colours than perhaps a regular person.

A few wonderful songs that feel like depersonalization-derealization:

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