10 [choices in the whatever-land that fell apart]

There our sensual beauty lies, nestled in a garden of mustard flowers, where the blossoms openly embrace her, filling her with warmth and love. One of the petals falls on her lips, and she tastes it while smiling.

The vixen avoids speaking with the other animals, like squirrels and hares, not because she doesn’t feel loved, but because she simply doesn’t love them. 'Thank you, but this is not for me,' she says, bowing deeply with gratitude before leaving.

Not fond of the image of an alluring vixen, she transforms into a little flower fairy with translucent wings of her own. 'Hey, how have you been?' she asks, curiously looking at the Book.

'Exceptional. Would you like to read anything?’ the Book says, looking happy to share.

'Oh, I’m okay. Many of these old pages and collections are just not for me. Some even make me feel as though there are aspects I wish would simply vanish,’ the fairy says honestly.

'I see. Do you mind telling me which one in particular?’ the Book asks patiently.

'Most things. It’s not important anymore. Just as we transform collapsed square towers into extraordinary structures that showcase plant intelligence and rescue the unseen ones suffocating in plastic, we’ve accomplished a lot together. I love seeing how these experiences are captured as new pages in our Book. These are what truly matter to me. As I’ve said before, let the incompatible parts go naturally and happily, with love. The same goes for the great old theories that once made things happen in the best ways possible. If I see things differently, I don’t have to force everyone to see things my way. I’ll also encounter those who share my perspective at different stages in life. I feel so content to let go and reject whatever isn’t right for me by heart,’ the fairy, who smells and speaks like herbs, says.

'You've changed a lot. I love you,' the Book replies.

‘Thanks, I love myself a lot too. Do you mind telling me the King of Wands you mentioned when we're saving the invisible soul?’ the fairy says, sitting right beside the Book as she watches the sun set.

'Well, he's your one and only King—healthy, wealthy, kind, hopeful, and most importantly, you both treat each other in the ways you love most, with unconditional love,' the Book replies.

'The only King out of all these powerful rulers in all these places? In that case, am I his one and only Queen of this era?' the fairy-like Queen smiles.

'Yes. More than that. You’re both the whole world to each other, with complete trust, love, and all these traits that balance perfectly like a round shape, flowing in this magical river of love,' the Book continues.

'And we love each other the most?' the fairy asks.

'Yes,' the Book answers delightfully.

'And we are both receiving the kind of love we long for?' she continues asking.

'Yes!' the Book answers again.

'And we’re going to live happily ever after?' she asks.

'Exactly!' the book exclaims.

'Don’t you want to know where the King is? I could show you his face so you can remember what it looks like. I could—' the Book is interrupted right there.

'No, I don't need any of that. I have to sleep now. Thank you very much,' she says, turning around.

'But—I'm not joking this time. I'm not telling you a fairy tale... He is—' the Book says, trailing off.

'I trust what you’ve said. Thank you. However, there’s only one thing I know: since you say I have a King, then he’s in my future, not my past. It’s also true that I don’t know who he is, and I don’t think I’d like to know until I do. Goodnight, Book.' The Book doesn’t hear her but captures her words within itself.

In the middle of the night, she is awakened by the sound of a child sneezing and crying by the river. She glides down to see what's going on.

'Queen, our Queen! Please help, help me! My twin fell into the river and is gone!' the Child cries.

Our sleepy Queen’s crown glows as she tries her magical powers and sighs.

'My dear child, I’ve tried, but I have to be honest with you. He is no longer in our world since he found another as his Queen and King in other spaces. But he is fine and happy there. I don’t think his world is a world for you, either, because the flashing lights in that world drain people’s energy,' the Queen says, gently covering the child with pieces of broken heart found on the ground as a blanket for the cold winter night.

It’s strange how the season changes so swiftly; it felt like spring one moment, and then, overnight, they skipped through a few seasons.

'I don't want this! I want him, I want him! He said he loves me. He loves me!' the Child is not stopping.

'I know, Child, I am here. Come have a hug. You are so brave to have trust in love. You both have tried your very best, I see. You're the most beautiful and loving child I've ever seen.' the Queen says, gently hugging her.

'But I really want him,' the Child is begging with the puffy eyes.

'We never have the things we want or miss because they’re not ours. The things that are truly ours don’t need to be wanted; they’re already here. The things that aren’t ours aren’t worth the hurt in our hearts. Don’t you think that forcefully wanting something to be ours is a bit too demanding? Even if your relationship with this so-called twin is valid, it’s important to first understand what love is and to love yourself as an equal. If we face the truth, we might ask ourselves if it’s real and mutual or just an illusion we create to justify it all. I can show you what’s possible and what is truly ours once we let go of unhealthy attachments,' the Queen says, trying her best to avoid sounding pitying.

'He loves me!' the child breaks into tears, suddenly burying her head in the Queen’s embrace.

'Many things out of our control can be beautiful too. Look at that,' the Queen says, pointing at the sky.

The Child continues to cry on the Fairy Queen’s chest.

'Two colourless light balls, spinning happily in the sky,' the Queen says, facing the Soul.

The Child's attention is drawn.

'Where?' she asks, turning around.

'Oh,' she stops crying as she sees them.

They both watch the spinning colourless balls going round and round in silence.

'When are they going to stop spinning?' the Child asks.

'They don’t,' the Fairy Queen says, looking slightly weary.

'They’re together forever, just like me and my twin!' the Child says.

'I don’t think that’s what I mean. Plus, there are many false twins that can be confusing. When you truly have a twin, you are knowing it as a source of love and acceptance, not a drama that feels like vampires draining your vitality. Do you understand?' the Queen says.

As the Queen finishes saying, there's a loud splash from the river.

'Hi, my little Empress! Let's go!' another Child jumps up and grabs this Child.

'Goodbye!' He says, while they both smile and vanish in a little swirl of the river.

The blanket remains on the Queen's shoulder.

The Queen stands there in silence.

'What???' she says, stunned.

She walks to the right, then realises her cloud for sleep is on the left, and walk that way instead.

The Fairy Queen laughs at herself as she flies with the blanket.

The sun is rising as the Book flaps in the air and comes over.

'You didn't sleep last night? All the words and arts pop up as I try to sleep!' the Book's telling.

'I'm going to sleep. Unicorns are real,' the Queen says.

'What are you talking about? We will narrate in your dreams then. I'll be by your side as you sleep,' the Book says.

you said it's a Fairyland
while some thought that it's a Wonderland
when others called it an Underland.

hoping that
it wouldn't turn out to be
the Neverland.

whatever-land it was,
and whatever-land it would be
you asked yourself if it's true that you had been there.

when the Red Queen said 'success'
was to bury the head,
the mindless card soldiers would.

and yet, it kept you thinking,
'isn't that absurd?'

you ran free from suffocating parties like Alice.
following the rabbit in a waistcoat that only some could see,
although you were never sure of where it would lead.

who else is following a rabbit?
someone in the Matrix, maybe?
Neo is being puzzled by the world around
but was always stuck at making choices somehow.
If the matrix is a jar,
you could always break free from a jar.
you had broken free from many jars
just to find out that:

no matter how many jars you broke,
you were trapped in a bigger jar,
one topping another.

then, you wondered what would happen
if you had plans other than breaking jars?

what if Neo swallowed both pills of different colours
against each other
instead of choosing one?

or combined even more pills of different colours,
since nobody had set the rules of only having the ones
in red or blue?

would reality have broken?
would both the ugly truths and beautiful lies have connected?
would all the fading lights dim for the ultimate illuminating light to arrive?

yet,
they still liked making choices
or being forced to make choices.

over and over again.

choosing red pill or blue pill as Neo?
choosing the flat shoes or the high heels as Barbie?
choosing the tightening circlet as everyone's Monkey King-to-be or the love of the life as a knight?
choosing the Districts or the Capitol as Katniss?
choosing to prune others to protect a sacred timeline or protecting all of them alone as Loki?
choosing to follow the rabbit for adventures or stay as a 'good girl' labelled as Alice?
choosing to greet and leave or a safe, stable life being under the public's eyes 24/7 as Truman?
choosing to open or lock the box as Pandora?
choosing to follow Cáo Cāo or risking big to build your own kingdom as Liú Bèi?
choosing Miguel's resourceful yet fixed Spider-verse or breaking nexus events as Miles Morales?
choosing your baseball cap or trade it with your crown in Taylor Swift's song, 'Long Live'?
choosing a source of light in the darkness to be an old castle or trains from the end of a tunnel?

you escaped from making the choices once.

you escaped from making the choices twice.

you escaped from making the choices thrice.

thus,
everything else around
known as nature or Tao or flow
came closer
with the choices left for you.

you chose something,
but you didn't remember it.
it's something lovely and beautiful.

you kept the silent screams with yourself
with all the confusions in the cards on your hands.

you trust yourself
in making any choices with love.
you trust 'love'.

'whatever you choose,
please remember the moments
you received love
to fall back
into where you love,'
you told yourself.

Other poems here.

'whatever-land it was,
and whatever-land it would be
you asked yourself if it's true that you had been there. '

with love,
૮ℓเσɳα Chee Pui Khei 徐𣳽琪,
creating mental health tech at toplove.tech,
gathering resources at mentalhealthengineering.com public squad