the eternal quest of truth. the seeking. the looking for answers. the willingness to learn. to know. to experience. to be. the eternal willingness to be. right here. right now. that has me running around in the maze of my mind, with a rational understanding that there is no end to it, that the only end that will take me away from the running all around is just ceasing to run, but where the practical experience of that rational understanding is impossible. i just can't stop running. the fire is just too hot.
but as soon as those words are written, there is an invitation that comes forth.
the invitation to breathe.
where does that rush come from? where does it point towards? it points to the same place that emil's work. to the place of nothingness. of silence. the quest of silence.
the only way to cease the running is by embracing the underlying silence. the meaninglessness. the lack of direction.
the ultimate of direction is the lack of direction. it is the embracement of what is, in this moment.
that head that is about to explode; embrace it all.
that willingness to be someone different that who i am: embrace it all.
it is all just part of the human condition. the despair. the depression. the willingness to be in another place.
it's all part of it. it's all part of what needs to be explored to have a complete experience. the only way to get out of this cycle of hope and despair is to just embrace the truth:
freedom is the absence of expectations.
running away from hope. running away from despair. that is also hope. that is also despair.
if you run away from hope you are hoping for something different. that is what comes. if you run away from this moment you will never enter the freedom that is fundamentally present here.
the freedom of just being.
and that's what ceran's words bring to me. the exploration into this moment. the exploration into the beauty of this moment. as it is.
if the hope is present, just embrace it as it is. if there is a willingness to feel different from the depression that is felt, from the sadness that is felt, just ask: where does that come from?
what is being numbed?
what is not present yet?
what is the message that is coming?
because there is time. there is space. there is the willingness. to explore. to use this moment as a vehicle to explore.
that the biggest hope is the lack of hope. and there is a paradox hidden in there, one that i can't see completely yet.
but that is the beauty that hides behind these words. the beauty of this moment being those words.
the beauty of what it means to be alive.
there may not be any meaning attached to it, but that is the most beautiful meaning of them all.
i get to assign to this moment the meaning that i want to it. there is no need to project about something that is not here.
and that is the beauty of all of it.
the hope will never go away. it is just part of the human experience.
the despair is also part of it. it is part of what constitutes me.
but who am i, in the acknowledgement of that being real?
who am i, when i embrace and love those aspects being there?
just a gathering of ideas.
a recognition of the beauty behind.
that is what hearing his words brought to me. a strong flavor of freedom.
freedom to just be.
this writing came out as an exploration into the notebook: "The Abyss of Reflection"
you can mint it here, to start writing inside it yourself: https://anky.lat/template/1
beware, though, dear friend, that what might encounter may challenge you.
but that's all of what being here is about, isn't it?
why are we alive if it is not for the discomfort of what it means to be human?