The cold breeze hits me as I write this. I could just get warm, but some pain helps me bring me back to my body when the blues come.
I will never fit in. And I am aware ever since I was a toddler.
I feel like the winter myself. But not that mild, cozy and gentle winter that comes to bring relief after a melting summer.
I’m the storm that keeps you up at night. That wind that sneaks through the window gaps and the feel of getting somewhat trapped. I make too many questions and share too many things. I may bring up some thoughts you'd rather forget.
“Nobody needs to know it”, my mom would probably say.
But I believe change starts within. And if I can trigger the change in someone’s life, it was already worth it. Sometimes we can't make it through alone, and that is completely fine.
Yet I’m aware this is uncommon. It would be easier to hide my flaws and blend in. But I don’t…
So, there is no space for such "social media summer" within.
Where everybody is happy, there are no issues, your dog surely never ate anything he could not and your baby sleeps during all the night. Happiness is not a state of mind. Gratitude is.
And I am grateful for all the friends I made along the way, even though all of our moments were not the apex of happiness.
I do believe happiness are the little moments we live for. That seconds when being alive makes sense and you forget all the rest.
The year has four seasons, why should I pretend I live in only one?
This is weird. Like me.
I can perceive it all. Everyone finds it so easy to make friends and find their tribes. “How lucky”, I tend to think to myself.
Most people are afraid of the future. Some are scared by the past. This is not my case. I'm scared of myself and the emptiness that expands within me from time to time.
My thoughts run so fast I simply acknowledge: I'm not catching up with them.
The rhythm of light and dark exists within me too.
"What is wrong with me?", I bring this question up very often.
The truth is that I don't know. Maybe nothing. Maybe there is something wrong about most people. Being neurodivergent has its toll.
But I am not giving up. Even though sometimes I would just like to fit in.
Being part of that friend group. Being able to just nod my head in silence. Forget about bad things in the past because "life goes on" and avoid polemic subjects like they did not exist.
That would be betraying myself.
Accepting the darkness is also accepting my process. And yours.
No more feelings denied space.
It absolutely is more comfortable to talk only about soft subjects and ignore your scars. But I am not here for the comfortable talks. I am here for the life-changing talks.
This is not an inspiring text. But for the first time in a while, I'm not asking sorry.
We have to stop asking forgiveness for who we are.
Starting now.
