I have to restart really quickly.
We lost dancing.
I gave in and I messaged my wife. I cried. Watching her message me back made me cry more. Actually I lost it. Lost it uncontrollably. Sobbed.
Reminding me how much our mind can control everything.
It’s the weirdest thing. I am sobbing.
Everything is washing over me. The thought of my family. It’s everything that is me now. Every time I think of them. It makes this grown ass man want to die at the fulfillment of their dreams. And cry uncontrollably. Whatever it is. I just know it starts here. Where it will go I’ll leave up to everyone else.
My wife is the fabric that made me. I want to be the fabric that makes us.
It is 10:37AM EST still on Feb 1.
I don’t look at the time often. I don’t think about anything else except my family and Grey. My interactions are minimal. The crying is frequent. Fred again hits right almost on cue. He knows.
“We lost dancing and what comes next will be marvelous.”
I am a prisoner of myself.
I was able to sneak a message to my wife through the underground tunnels. I’m scared of getting caught so I won’t do it again but I know she got it and messaged me back. I saw some other messages, one by Kevin but I was too scared to message back.
It read “checking in” or something like that. I’ll message him when I get out of this joint!
This is all weird. I can talk about it more easily than I can write about it.
I am constantly reminded of my convulsions during drown-proofing. Maybe I’m not such a bitch like Goggins has been calling me. For the record, he’s never spoken to me but I’ve read his stuff, I know what he thinks of me, and I love it.
Is what makes me cry the amount of energy concentrated on that given idea? Because family is my biggest thing, when I place focus on them right now, the beam is so strong that it blinds my eyes causing uncontrollable shaking and crying?
Yeah, that must be it. For sure. I’m not a bitch. Goggins, please confirm this
