Finding Your Perfect (Steve) Jobs

“What would have become of Hercules do you think if there had been no lion, hydra, stag or boar – and no savage criminals to rid the world of? What would he have done in the absence of such challenges?" - Epictetus

I’m sitting on a chair in the mottled brown reception area at the Googleplex, Mountain View, California, waiting for my number to be called. Every second seat has been cordoned off in yellow and black police tape, as if I’m sitting in the middle of a murder scene. I have a job interview. Marketing department. Assistant manager. In order to elevate my clarity of thought, I’m listening to brain waves at 50 HZ. When you want bat-like perception and savagely quick problem solving, quite frankly, no other brain waves will do. I'd read in The Daily Mail Google use complex interview questions to disable applicants. Why is a man-hole cover round? Name six biscuits. Where is time? That kind of jazz. Gamma waves are my go-to frequency to offset any Google-shaped funny business.

There is no such thing as free will where Google is concerned, however many times you throw the universal dice. Besides, Delta waves below 4HZ strip you of body awareness. Ideal for transcendental sleep. Not ideal for a job interview. Theta and Alpha waves are more suited to your four o’clock meditation practice.

Preparation is the dark matter of job security. I’m using my final ten minutes to visualise a universe with me at the helm of the Google Marketing Department. Fuck you Seth Godin. The universe, as is so often the way, has other ideas. My positive visualisation is duly derailed. Bill Gates sits down next to me. He looks like a hobo. From the orange headphones and second-era Panasonic Walkman he has strapped to his bum-bag, I assume he's also listening to brain waves.

“Tony Robbins,” he says, patting his Panasonic and reading my mind. “Never leave home without him.”

I nod my approval, even though I think Tony Robbins is full of shit.

Bill Gates crosses his legs, makes himself comfortable, and starts dishing out life, business and morality lessons like he’s doing a fucking Ted talk.

"As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others.”
― Bill Gates

He says it casually, as if commenting on the weather. No doubt he’s right. “What about the next century of assistant marketing managers,” I ask. 

Bill Gates is a goddamn lunatic. He looks at me sideways and his glasses slide off his face. For a split second he looks like Hercule fucking Poirot. After a lifetime of buying up the competition, he’s easily agitated. Fidgeting. He inhales deeply, closes his eyes and prepares to say something mystical. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how much faith you have in Bill Gates, he’s cut off mid-sentence by an thunderous flash of light, as if meteorites are raining down on the Googleplex. The whole building trembles under the shockwave. Meteorites, however, is wishful thinking. Google’s not over, It’s Steve fucking Jobs. When he speaks, his voice comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time, reaching some kind of perfect oscillation as it smashes wine glasses in Dakota. 

“Don’t listen to this guy," he roars, jarring my body like recently laid cement. “He just shamelessly ripped off other people’s ideas." - Steve Jobs

He floats down and takes a seat on the other side of me. He’s wearing his black polo neck and eating a pear. Bill Gates gives him a Windows Vista death stare. It’s like a 1997 keynote speech from SXSW. God, I hope he’s not going to recite his Stanford commencement address. 

“Getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.” - Steve Jobs

I tell Steve I don’t want to get fired, I’m here to be hired. He apologises, takes off his Bose headphones, presses stop on his Sony Walkman and floats three feet above the seat, meditating. 

Brainwaves?

“Waterfalls,” he says, hearing my thoughts.

Bill Gates doesn’t like being upstaged.

“Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.” - Bill Gates

Steve Jobs mulls this over as he examines his pear, turning it over and over in his hands like a quantum Rubix Cube. He’s searching for a respite, an oval shaped counter attack to Bills square.

"Sometimes life is going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith." - Steve Jobs

Bill launches a retaliation, hurling his wisdom over the trenches like a furious Dictator.

“Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years.” - Bill Gates

I tell Bill I only have six minutes before my job interview.

“If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good.” – Bill Gates

Bill is playing basketball on Steve’s court now, only he didn’t bring his ball. 

Steve drops his pear.

The Sun hiccups.

“Bill is basically unimaginative and has never invented anything, which is why I think he’s more comfortable now in philanthropy than technology.” - Steve Jobs

Being dead for twelve doesn’t do anything for your manners. I take out the job description. It stresses the importance of creativity. That makes sense. Creativity is the number one desired trait for HR departments in 2024.

My synapses transcend business strategy. 

"Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn't really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while." - Steve Jobs

“Seems a bit vague Steve…” I say. “I get what you mean… just… sounds like… lazy bullshit. It’s just connecting things? This is a fucking Google job interview.”

Bill Gates sniggers. 

“Of my mental cycles, I devote maybe ten percent to business thinking. Business isn’t that complicated.” – Bill Gates

“I can’t say that either Bill. Oh, it’s just connecting things and not very complicated. How do you think that’s going to go down?”

Screensavers. 

Tech gods.  

Your system needs an update.

“He’d be a broader guy if he had dropped acid once or gone off to an ashram when he was younger” – Steve Jobs

“Steve,” I ask. “Are you telling me I should bring up my drug history… In a job interview?”

“I failed in some subjects, but my friend passed In all. Now he's an Engineer in Microsoft and I am the owner of Microsoft.” - Bill Gates

He's probably not really your friend, but I’ll update my LinkedIn profile. Thanks Bill.

Bill and Steve are bickering like me and my brother on a road trip. Can’t they even let bygones be bygones and exist peacefully together over creativity? 

“If you've ever watched a child with a cardboard carton and a box of crayons create a spaceship with cool control panels, or listened to their improvised rules, such as "Red cars can jump all others," then you know that this impulse to make a toy do more is at the heart of innovative childhood play. It is also the essence of creativity.” - Bill Gates

Steve looked impressed.

So do I. It’s a good quote. 

Steve fires back. 

“When you're a carpenter making a beautiful chest of drawers, you're not going to use a piece of plywood on the back, even though it faces the wall and nobody will see it. You'll know it's there, so you're going to use a beautiful piece of wood on the back. For you to sleep well at night, the aesthetic, the quality, has to be carried all the way through. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.” - Steve Jobs

And then the fabric of my visual field begins to oscillate violently. Distant voices I can’t comprehend battle with Steve and Bill. Steve says something but his voice distorts as he rejoins the atoms, connecting quarks and anti-matter, creating his own event horizon from dust. 

He clicks his fingers and the world stops for a billion years. The noise of crashing planets dissipates, somewhere in space it rains asteroids the size New Hampshire. Only I can’t hear it because Steve Jobs is now controlling my mind. 

"The only problem with Microsoft is they just have no taste, they have absolutely no taste. I don’t mean that in a small way. I mean that in a big way, in the sense that they don’t think of original ideas and they don’t bring much culture into their product.” - Steve Jobs

Mic drop. 

Planet drop.

Airdrop. 

Bill flounders like an upturned tortoise being attacked by a pack hyenas on some godforsaken beach. Out of nowhere the fabric of my visual field begins to oscillate violently.

"Patience is a Key Element of Success.” - Bill Gates

Desperate.

And then an angel speaks to me, “Mr Fielding… Mr Fielding…

Only It’s not an angel, it’s Derek Jones from HR. 

“Mr Fielding, we’re ready for you now,” he says.

I wipe the dribble from my chin. And reality smashes into my slowly waking prefrontal cortex. I’ve had the wrong brain waves on. I’ve been listening to Delta waves. 18 Hz. Fucking hell. It’s basically like eating 80 mgs of DMT. Behind Derek, Steve and Bill are sitting there, looking at me, floating, wishing me luck. As I stare, they fuse together, the soul of Steve and Bill becoming one, transcending the particles that make the fabric of the universe. My brain runs through a windows upgrade, purple i-macks and pink i-phones start flickering in and out of existence, windows and apples, windows and apples, cascading like cards at the end of a game of patience. 

Someone takes an apple-shaped bite from my visual field.

I’m in a daze as I get taken into the office.

“Have a seat Mr Fielding.”

I float to a comfortable black chair.

“So Mr Fielding, tell us a little about creativity and why you want the job.”

"Stay hungry. Stay foolish." - Steve Jobs