For the longest time, I hid behind introversion to explain my discomfort in large groups. I avoided conferences and parties and other events where I had to interact with people I didn’t know. As my mindfulness practice developed, I noticed when I felt discomfort and leaned into the thoughts causing it. I discovered that discomfort had less to do with introversion and more to do with negative self-talk and the fear of being judged.
I have thoughts about the root of this fear - from the instinctual need for acceptance to ensure survival to my religious upbringing and the theme that certain behaviors were right and rewarded and others were wrong and punished. I was taught as a child that judgment delivered everlasting life or eternal damnation. Of course, I wanted to be good, in public at least.
The desire to always put on a good show and the worries of what people thought about the show created a persistent discomfort that kept me from feeling at ease, even in spaces where I had plenty to offer. I worried - what were they thinking about me, about what I said? Did I look okay? Did they notice anything wrong? Was I acceptable?
When I realized this, I gave myself this pep talk and I return to it when old habits emerge:
Lean into the fact that you will be judged no matter what you do. There’s no escape. Be comfortable knowing people will decide who you are through their own lens. And that idea of you may not align with who you want them to think you are.
Some people will get closer to the truth, others will be far from it. No one can get it perfectly right; they’ll never have enough information to understand the fullness of who you are. Be okay with that.
You are imperfectly perfect. Always evolving, always learning more about yourself.
Learn your values. Understand them fully. Embrace the actions that align with them. Be authentic and natural in this way. By doing so, you may even realize the idea of who you want to show up as no longer fits.
Let that image go. This idea of yourself is a prison and staying within it is lockdown. Free yourself.
Exist in the present. Act in the moment, in alignment with your energy and values. This is how you stay true to yourself. Study your motivations and rid yourself of thoughts and actions that try to shield you from judgment.
Don’t be controlled by the idea that you can control what people think. You cannot. And what they think about you can never be the full truth. Know this.
Know yourself. Love yourself: who you were; who you are; who you will become. Every version of you. Even on your worst days, you’re your best in that moment. This is enough. You are enough.
Keep striving to reach that place where you’re most natural, most in alignment with your energy and values. You will find peace here. Only you can create that peace.
