I’ve been catching up on Boys Club and was listening to the feelings check in around balancing having children with ambition. And oh do I have feelings about it.
Every working mom lives with an undercurrent of guilt—guilt when you’re working that you’re not with your kids; guilt when putting your career on hold or having to put family before work. It feels like there’s never enough time and no one is getting the best of you, certainly not yourself. And if you have a partner, hopefully they are a true partner. But if not, the added stress is tremendous.
And all of this timing is controlled by biology. Listening to Deana on Boys Club talk through the thought process on of this consideration at 39 “if I get pregnant now…” and talk through all that comes with it and the trade offs of ambition brought me right back. When the clock is ticking down, emotion takes hold.
About 7 years ago, I had to have a hysterectomy due to extreme endometriosis, fibroids and a couple tumors thrown in for good measure. In that moment watching the door close for having any more children brought out this sudden panic.
I even went to a fertility doctor to see if I had any eggs to freeze. Which to any sane person in that moment facing all the medical issues above would know how ridiculous that is and that it was highly unlikely without even checking. But I did anyway. The test results were unsurprising. No viable eggs to freeze. Although I had no desire to have another child before this news, this overwhelming grief at not being able to was surprising.
Post surgery and free of pain I lived with for years, the past 7 years have been some of the best. There’s a bit of freedom in the closing of that door. It’s the time while making the decision, when the door is still ajar, that is frought with emotional turmoil. As was noted on the episode, “That limbo is a much harder place to be in.” Couldn’t agree more Natasha. Once the decision is made, it’s much easier to accept the next phase and move on.
But the balance of family and ambition is always much more difficult for women. Men have longer time horizon for all the choices. The door is open much longer. And society rarely faults a man for making his career a priority.
“A man does that all the time. He takes up space in the world as a man, as his independent person, and not as somebody who carries other people along with them. . . .as soon as you’re pregnant in the world it’s impossible. It’s completely impossible. And people want to talk to you about being a mom, your family, how you decided to make these decisions. All of sudden it’s absolutely impossible to show up in the world as Deana. You’re showing up in the world as a mother. Of course all the things you do for your job wouldn’t be the same.”
This truth may surprise many but not any moms. I’m an offender as well. I have a phone full of numbers that are “so and so’s mom.” That is their only identity to me.
So there is freedom in that door closing. As kids get older, it’s easier to focus on career and ambition. And you can once again find your way back to your whole self. The mom guilt remains but lessens.
There are no easy answers for this and the answer is different for each woman. Egg freezing gives no guarantees and just postpones these decisions.
So maybe it’s time to just allow moms to also be whole humans?
And for the love of eth, please do NOT ever rub a pregnant woman’s belly without an invitation. Ever. Do not even ask. We hate that.
Thanks reader/subscribers for hanging in there -- been a bit inconsistent lately but we're heading into the end of the semester so I'm committing to writing 3x/week for the month of December. Let's see how this goes!
