Another year is over.
Another year is done.
Another lap stands completed.
A revolution around the sun.
Inside I feel funky.
My mind is slightly stuck.
I am feeling raw to the understanding
That another year has wrapped up.
There are things that I wanted
To do and to see.
There are things that I wanted
To progress within the.
How did each day pass so quickly?
How did the ending creep up and surprise me?
My internal Joey is screaming,
"Why God, why?"
For time feels more than fleeting
And I am trying to stay alert for the ride.
I am trying to be intentional.
To take each moment as it comes.
To take value in each second
That I am present
In this world
Under the sun.
Why is it easier to bash ourselves?
To think of the things that we did not.
Than to acknowledge the accomplishments
That each passing year brought?
Did I grow?
Did I learn?
Did I become a better version of me?
Or was that year wasted
By the trials that, through time, I would see?
Should I focus on the pitfalls?
The hard times that became?
Or should I push those aside
And relish in how I evolved throughout the year's days?
For me, there is one of those that is easier
One that seems to mesh more with my life's script.
But this year I will choose different
That path I will not allow myself to pick.
It is time that I move on
Time a new internal dialogue is allowed to flow.
Time I take that path's volume
And turn it from high to low.
It is time I write a new story
From the inside to the out.
Time I allow myself grace
As I figure this life out.
I have frequented the opposite
Immersed in judgment
Led by shame.
The fears around the corner
Held the guiding light in each day.
The reins of the life that held my passions
That led me to my dreams
Were far from acceptable
For my hands to receive.
I held myself hostage
From many of my wants and my needs.
For in my mind, I was unworthy
Of anything different
Than the rules from society, I perceived.
With strict nature, I ran my life
With precision and control.
Do not allow the sidestep
Remain on the course that is shown.
Work the days away.
Be thin.
Be fit.
Give, do not take.
Live your life, accomplished.
Be for the others.
Give your money and time.
Laugh but don't cry.
Walk each step on the line.
Look like a model.
Wear the clothes that are prime.
Attend to all needs.
Do not be tired.
Stay alive.
Be quick but don't rush.
Listen and respond.
Speak your mind but don't offend.
Ensure you're educated.
Don’t tell lies.
Do your hair.
Cover your chest.
Not too small.
Not too big.
Make money.
Get to the top.
But do not ask for too much
You can have some, but not a lot.
Be prim and proper.
Stand tall, as they say.
Remember these rules and all others
Each second
Of every day.
As a human.
As a woman.
As a people pleaser to my core.
These rules and many others
Tainted each thought my mind would explore.
Some of them helpful.
Some of them good.
Though many caused hardship
As my mind grappled with how, through them, I could progress on the course.
How could I run my life?
How could I walk through my days?
How could I understand right and wrong
If I ran my life in this way?
Too many rules on the table.
Too many boxes to check.
My mind is now in scrambles.
As I'd function, at a deficit.
As I'd tire myself out.
Exhaust my energy and being.
Trying to fit the mold of the scripts
As I navigated my life's day-to-day being.
At some point, it can turn toxic.
The wrath of these things.
At some point, there is a decision.
As to how we will engage with these scenes.
Do we allow them to win?
The rules and controls we have perceived.
Or do we relinquish our conformity
Allow ourselves to pick that new path
Say no to the others
Allow our desires to be unlatched?
Instead of flooding our minds with the 'should have’s'
The pitfalls.
The things that we missed.
Flipping the script in our story.
Allowing the internal dialogue to shift.
Maybe that pitfall is instead a lesson.
Learning in time.
Maybe the absence of the things that we 'should have'
Are instead what was meant to be in our life.
Perhaps we can learn to believe
That there is nothing really that we missed.
If we can find acceptance in this new script
In this new story inside
If we can learn from the helpful rules
And push the others aside
Perhaps when another year is over.
When another year is done.
Instead of seeing what we did not
We will see all that, through time, we have become.
The things that we have learned.
The places in which we have seen.
The life and love that we have captured.
The growth that today we now beam.
A note from Melanie Jane.
A few of my reflections after another birthday has come and gone.
A FRIENDS (television show) reference. Yes, I am a big FRIENDS fan.
A vulnerable look into a few of the thoughts present on my inside as I work to continue growing, letting go and finding my place in this world around me.
Thank you for being here ☼
