At the start of each year I choose a word.
A word to describe what I want to encompass and embody for the year ahead.
A word that describes something that I want to work on. Within myself. Within who I am and how I present myself to the world.
For 2020, I chose the word courage.
To me, courage means holding the fear, holding the distress and anxieties that can overtake my world – and doing, anyway.
Living, anyway.
Being, anyway.
Taking the risk, anyway.
Taking the chance, anyway.
Courage means standing up to those fears and doing what I want to do, anyway.
Having the zest to really be my authentic self.
To really show who I am and be who I want to be, anyway.
Regardless of the stress. Regardless of the fears. Regardless of the anxieties.
Courage means holding who I am and having the audacity to be okay with that.
Courage means admitting that I struggle and working through those struggles, anyway. Facing them head on and not hiding them from those around me.
Courage means asking for help when I need it- and not getting down on myself for that.
As the years go along and come to a close- I try to check in with myself on how I’m doing with keeping up with this intention.
How am I doing? Am I embodying that chosen word? What can I do embody it more? What can I do to get to where I want to be?
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Honestly, this year has been tough.
There’s a worldwide pandemic upon us.
There’s a lot of confusion as to how to navigate these times.
I’m sure everyone is feeling the uncertainty.
On top of that, back in February, I was in a pretty severe car accident.
We were out and about and before you know it – screech, breaks, crash.
The year, similar to our car, took a massive 180.
I was diagnosed with a severe concussion and TBI (traumatic brain injury).
I spent the following months laid up on the couch waiting for the vertigo, nausea and pains to subside.
As many of you who know me know- I have struggled with an eating disorder for quite some time in my life.
When the accident happened, I slowly fell downhill with my mental health and eating disorder again.
I was out of work and unable to really do anything with my days.
Come May, my doctors sat me down for a heart to heart. I was really struggling and something needed to be done about it.
June 9, 2020. I packed up my bags and headed aboard a flight for Miami.
Once there, I would be checking myself back into the eating disorder treatment facility that had saved my life two years before.
And the journey began.
As the time in treatment began, I found myself overtaken with anxiety, panic and distress.
All of my coping skills had been stripped from me and the result was a pretty unstable version of me.
Panic attacks would overtake my days and fear would hold me back.
As I sit here today, November 19, 2020, 6 months into my treatment journey; tears come to my eyes as I realize how far I have come.
This year hasn’t been easy.
Honestly, it’s been really tough.
Not just for me.
For everybody.
As I reflect back on my word for the year- it’s apparent to me that I have seen courage- not only in myself, but in everyone that’s around me.
This year, courage has meant getting out of bed to face the day ahead.
This year, courage has meant discovering hard, tough, challenging feelings within ourselves and facing them head on.
This year, courage has meant spending time with our true selves- minus all distractions- and accepting ourselves as we are. Regardless of any flaws that we may see.
This year, courage has meant being apart from our loved ones- no matter how much we may miss them.
This year, courage has meant showing up in the hard times and in the good.
Courage takes bravery.
Courage takes guts.
Courage takes us stepping outside of societal expectations and embracing who we truly are.
This year has been hard, yes.
But it’s also been a time of great growth.
A time of great opportunity to do things differently and step outside of our daily routines. Outside of our comfort zones. Outside of all that is within our norm.
As we finish this year out, I hope we can all recognize courage within ourselves.
I hope we can all see the courage we have portrayed as this unprecedented time has come upon us.
I hope we can all realize the tremendous amounts of things that we have all overcome this year thus far.
I hope we are all able to see the courage within us that has brought us to where we are today.
I hope, for us all, that courage can guide our days.
That we can take it one step at a time and do the things that we need to do, anyways.
Be what we need to be, anyways.
Go through what we need to go through, anyways.
Courage takes bravery.
Courage takes guts.
And I am here to say that you can all take on the things that lie ahead.
I am here to say that no matter who you are.
No matter what you do. No matter where you are. YOU are courageous.
Living this year out- that means you’re courageous.
Taking on the unknown- that means you’re courageous.
Putting one foot in front of the other throughout this time- that means you’re courageous.
We can do this.
We can be who and what we want to be- regardless of the anxieties, fears and distress.
Regardless of all that may come up. Regardless of the potential struggle.
We’re strong. You’re strong.
You’re courageous.
And you can do this!
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