Green and blue
Browns are there too
Yellow and black
I see a sunflower and white specks in the back.
Spherical and glossy
A shadow or two
If I look deep into the center
I see small reflections of me staring back at you.
More than the colors, the shapes and the glares
I see stories and feelings and realities that live there.
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?
Not only for a second or two
Have you looked with great focus
Into the purest, most whole part of you?
Today I sat by the mirror
Criss-cross applesauce on the floor
George Winston playing in the background
Distractions away.
I sat and I looked
With intent
Keeping judgments at bay.
Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed (Doyle, 2020) says it is important to do this
To look and to see
To really check in with who and how we are
Is the reflection depicting the person we strive to be?
I used to avoid the mirror
Taking steps towards that reflective glass.
For I yearned to run from the discomfort that could arise from a peer into that surface where a depiction of me would look back.
There was a time before that
When the mirror was my obsession
My friend who was actually my foe.
I visited it religiously throughout the day
Of every nook and cranny, I took note.
A reminder of my flaws
My tool to measure my worth
My gut check on how I was doing
Was I in control or was I operating with a misstep?
My source for personal ridicule
My weapon to protect
My means to keep me safe
My means to inspect.
A selfie in the mirror meant a tangible checkpoint to measure whether or not I was fine
An album of those photos stowed on my device
Served as my assurance of whether or not I was in line.
As I have worked on myself
As I have worked to heal the body image relationship that was there
I become avoidant of mirrors
For I feared that the reality of my struggles were still there.
I used to cover them up
Sticky notes along that reflective surface space
Paper squares filled with affirmations and uplifting quotes
To serve as a reminder that, without it, I can stay safe.
If that did not work
I would take the mirror off of the wall
I would hide it behind the bed
Not allow space for those struggles to again take off.
Today, things are different
I can now look into the mirror
I can ground myself and hold space to manage the thoughts that may appear.
I like the idea of checking in with oneself
Of holding space to glance into that purest, most whole part of the
To gain an understanding of how I am doing
To hold space for the realities within me.
As I situated myself by the mirror
As I got comfortable on the floor
I vowed to look in a different way
Than I had ever looked before.
Straight into the eyes
Into the pupils of black and white
I felt apprehensive and curious
Parts of me felt worried and afraid
I felt a longing to know
How is she doing in there today?
I took time to observe
I took time to see
I took time to understand
What is coming up as I am looking into the eyes of the?
At first, I felt uncomfortable
Palms clammy, heart tense
My being wanted to numb as judgments came forward and were intense.
The next, emotions appeared
While I looked, I felt connected to the
Externally, I saw a tear
Internally, I saw me.
I saw myself for who I am
I saw myself for what I was
I saw myself in that moment
I saw myself in moments that have gone.
I allowed my feelings to appear
I allowed my emotions to flow
My story is one I have been fearful of
For I worry that it has been encompassed with too much to show.
As I gazed toward my reflection
Staring into one eye, then the next
I saw the ups and the downs
The hills, the mountains and the valleys that I have been around.
I strove to hold space to tell myself
That I am worthy
That I am enough
That I am beautiful, even if I do not believe it
I am strong, even when I feel no muscle to the touch.
Sometimes I find it easier to avoid looking into the realities of my life
Sometimes I find it better to separate myself from the feelings that feel like too much.
Sometimes I wish I could see an ounce of strength and worth
In the moments when I am down and affirmations are not enough
Sometimes I wish I could be courageous enough to follow my dreams and not allow my fears to keep me stuck.
As I sat by that mirror
Staring deep into the eyes of the
Moments flashed from my memory
Moments reminding of the stories that have made up today’s version of me.
To glance toward our being
Can be scary and intense
To look deep into our own eyes and ask ourselves if we are representing the person we strive to be
Can be daunting and humbling
It is so hard to live while fully embracing our reality.
I have learned that life is messy
I know no roadmap for our steps
I understand that each person walks through hardship, whether it is known or hidden behind the fence.
I realize that the world is chaotic
With it, people often strive to keep up
I have come to understand that remaining authentic
Takes courage and constant check-ins to ensure that, with ourselves, we are in touch.
It is apparent to me that so many distractions are at play
It seems harder than ever to hold priority for our healing and growth today.
In a world full of shoulds
I strive to push them aside
In a world full of coulds
I strive to instead look deep into my own eyes.
To look there for discernment
To look there to keep in touch
To look there to check-in
To look there to ensure feelings, thoughts and desires are in touch.
At first, I was overwhelmed
It was as if a kaleidoscope had taken effect
Two eyes turned into hundreds
With myself, I could not connect.
I told myself to breathe.
Calm, Mel. Center yourself.
You are peering into the eyes of you
It is okay to take this step.
I saw green and blue
Browns were there too
Yellow and black
I saw a sunflower and white specks in the back.
Spherical and glossy
A shadow or two
If I looked deep into the center
I saw small reflections of me staring back at you.
More than the colors, the shapes and the glares
I saw stories and feelings and realities that lived there.
I looked into the mirror
Not only for a second or two
I looked with great focus
Into the purest, most whole part of me that was in view.
What I learned was profound
What I felt, at first, seemed like too much
What I took away was empowering
I am okay, I can do this
I am not too much.
