As I sit here today, I am reminiscing over a year that seemed to change just about everything in my life.
I'm sitting in my new apartment. In my new city. Eager to start this new stage of my life.
As I sit here, I am reminiscing over times of trial, triumph, hardship, victory and pain.
I am reminiscing over the me that I once was and the me that I am today.
It seems to me that 2019 has just begun, though the first month is well underway. I guess I've taken this time, these first twenty days, to really reflect over all that 2018 brought to me.
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We think of a new year as a time for growth. A time of opportunity. A time to take who we were and change that into who we are going to be.
We think of a year as a segment of time. As a significant chunk of time in our lives. We look back upon our lives and identify certain moments and occurrences in relation to the year they occurred.
But in the end, all it really is, is time... right?
Whether it's yesterday or today. Tomorrow or the next.. each day is a matter of time. A week could be just as significant as a month and a month just as significant as a day... it's all a matter of perspective.
I always have time on my mind. Significant periods of time. Significant stunts in my life. Significant years that mattered and times that meant the most.
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2018 is one of those chunks of time that I will never forget. There were many significant moments, significant days, significant times of growth and pain.
As I reflect upon time; here are eighteen things I learned in 2018.
1. You have to take time for yourself.
For a significant portion of my life I put everyone before myself. Though in many circumstances this can be a good thing, sometimes it is not. If you never put yourself first, your needs and wants get pushed to the back and you're not meeting them in the ways that you need to be. This year I realized that I have to put myself first sometimes. I can care about others, but I have to also care about myself.
2. Ask for help.
This year I took one of the most significant steps in my life by checking myself into an eating disorder treatment facility. I've needed the help for years, I was just afraid to ask. This year I asked - and it changed my life for the better.
No matter what it is in your life, if you are struggling with something, please don't be afraid to ask for help. Those that matter in your life will help you get to where you need to be. Help is designed to do just that, to help - and it does. You will never regret getting the help you need. If you can't talk to someone about it, talk to me. I'm happy to help in any way that I can.
3. Say Yes.
From traveling to India and meeting many friends along the way, to going to Miami for eating disorder treatment, to taking a spur of the moment trip with my grandma.. this year I learned to say yes. I learned that saying yes to the things that I have always wanted to do pays off in the long run. I learned that saying yes to that meet-up with friends you're debating on going to, leads to connection and happiness along the way. I learned that saying yes to time for yourself, leads to a better you. I learned that saying yes can lead you down unexpected and unimaginable paths.
4. ... and sometimes say No.
Although I'm an advocate for saying yes, this year I also learned the valuable lesson of saying no. If you've known me for a while, you know that I don't say no often.. but this year I learned to take time for me. I learned to prioritize myself and my time amongst the things that others want me to say or do.
I learned that saying no can lead to the best opportunities to say yes.
5. Dream big.
This year I started working on dreams that have been brewing up in my head for a long time. This year I learned that my dreams are possible and all I have to do is work at them. I learned to trust in the dreams that I have, put in the work, and maybe just maybe, they'll come true.
6. See value in yourself.
This year I learned to see value in myself. For a long time, I saw no value in Me. I saw no significance in myself and had a hard time finding my reason for being in this world. When I went to Miami, they taught me to see value in me. To see myself as a significant part of this world, someone who was put here for a purpose.
A lot of pain came before I could really learn this lesson. Tears were shed and some major self-reflecting had to take place...but I got there. Some days it is still hard, but now I know that I have to see value in me if I want to do or accomplish anything in this world. I have to put myself first sometimes and take the time to do the things that lift me up.
If you struggle with seeing value in yourself, I encourage you to reflect back upon your life and remember all of those moments that made your life significant and meaningful. I encourage you to talk about the feelings that you have towards yourself and remember that people want to help. We all can struggle with these things, it's so easy to in this world, in this society. Remember that you are you for a reason. You are here for a reason - and one day you'll find out exactly why.
7. Don't trust the mirror... and turn away from society's expectations.
What a hard thing for me to say. Having anorexia, the mirror has haunted me for years. Society has haunted me for years. Society's expectations they thrust upon us as if we are some kind of toy able to morph to be exactly what they want us to be. To look exactly how they want us to look.
I'm sure we all can remember a time when we looked at ourselves and maybe saw something we didn't like. I'm sure we can all come together and say that the unrealistic expectations that society places upon us can make us feel unacceptable, unwanted, and sometimes even unloved.
This year I learned to turn away from the mirror, to stop trusting what I think I see. "We are our own worst critic," we've all heard time and time again. But friends, I want you to remember that this is true. I can think everyone else is beautiful in their own unique way yet turn to myself and see nothing but crap. You were made to be exactly how you are, I was made to be exactly how I am... and that is that.
Stop trusting the negative things you may see in yourself. Don't let the messages from society bring you down or set your standard. We were made to be exactly who we are.
8. Give yourself some grace... and remember you're a work in progress.
My dad once told me that perfection is never a destination. You will never get there. You will never see exactly what you want to see if you're striving to be perfect. Instead, perfection is a journey. A journey to make ourselves better day by day, moment by moment. We cannot expect ourselves to be perfect, but we can try to improve ourselves each day along the way.
This year I learned to give myself some grace. I've always had these impossibly high standards for myself. I've expected the 100% best of myself each and every day, in each and every situation... and I've always fallen short. This year I learned that grace with ourselves leads to increased happiness along the way. I learned to give myself grace in where I am at the moment, in how I look, in who I am. I may not be perfect but I am a work in progress striving to get better day by day.
It is so important to remember that you're a work in progress. You don't have to be today what you want to get to tomorrow. You'll get there, in due time. Give yourself some grace this year. Remember that you're doing just fine.
9. Travel. Explore.
This year I learned that travel and explorations are outlets that bring happiness and meaning to my life. Whether its traveling across the world, down the street, across the country, or to the neighboring state; I hope for you to find time for travel and exploration this year.
What have travel and exploration taught me? They have given me perspective. They have enabled me to see the world in a different light. They have opened my eyes to the things that go on around me- how other people live, whether they're in India or down the street from my house. They have taught me to be open minded and to accept change in my life. They have given me so much that I could go on and on, I simply hope for you that you can allow these two things into your life in whatever capacity works for you.
10. Don't let your insecurities win.
"I'm not small enough." "I don't look like _____." "I'm not good enough."
I swear these statements floated through my mind multiple times a day. I cant do this because I'm not that.
The doubts I had about myself won every single time. Every day. Every moment.
I always let my insecurities win.
This year I learned to DO, anyway. To LIVE, anyway. I learned to turn my head from what my insecurities were telling me and TAKE PART in my life instead.
So, I'm not the most fit person around. So, this. So, that... I am going to DO, anyway.
Yes, I still have insecurities about many things. Yes, I still struggle from time to time. But, I dont let my insecurities keep me from living my life anymore. I know they're there, and I know they're yelling at me from the corner, but I DO anyway.
I hope you can learn that this year. I hope you can realize that your insecurities may never fully go away, but that you can do the things that you want to do in your life, anyway.
11. LIVE your life.
For so long I put my life: significant moments, significant instances, significant times, on pause thinking, I'd be better a year, a week, a day from now. I waited to do certain things for the thought that I'd be more ready or make more of an impact at a later time.
This year I learned to LIVE my life. Instead of waiting and waiting for the right time to come, I learned to take the moments in front of me and use them how I wanted to use them instead of waiting for a better time to get them done.
Going to Miami and getting treatment set the stage for this lesson. I had waited, years and years thinking that I would be better in due time... it never happened. When I want to treatment, I learned that you can change and take hold of your life if you're simply willing to put in the work.
Don't wait for tomorrow to get started on what you want to start on today. LIVE your life... you never know how much longer you'll get.
12. Be present.
This year I learned the incredibly valuable lesson of being present where you are. I used to spend my current moments analyzing the past or worrying about the future. Instead of being present where I currently was, my mind was elsewhere.
Learning to be present made me realize so much about my life. Taking time for a few deep breaths when anxiety came around or actively listening to the person in which I am talking- it changed things in so many little ways. It made me more happy. It reduced my anxiety. It made me recognize small moments that may lead to big impacts.
I encourage you to take the time to be present in your life. Start your morning in an uplifting way. Take a deep breath when stress or anxiety start to cripple in. Be present in the moment you're living in.
13. Allow yourself to cry.
Crying. It isn't something our society has told us is an okay thing. It isn't something we are typically comfortable doing in public or around others... and that's okay.
For a long time, I didn't allow myself to cry. Whether it was a significant occurrence in my life or a small feeling of sadness that creeped in.. I would make myself hold it in.
This year I learned to cry when I need to. To cry for the things that I need to cry about. To let it out instead of holding it in.
When we hold in our emotions, it all bottles up and affects our feelings and mental energy day by day. So, whether you lost something or someone in your life. Whether you had something happen to you or you're just sad for no apparent reason at all - I hope you will allow yourself to cry and experience your emotions this year. It makes a world of a difference.
14. Food is Food. Food is Fuel. Use it in that way.
To this day, I still don't know if this is normal for ordinary people. I still don't know if others feel this way or have these thoughts. Having an eating disorder, for so long in my life I feared food. I feared what it would do to me, how it would affect me, how it would make me be. I feared eating, especially in front of others and I feared any ounce of "unhealthy" food. I fell into the path of many diets and health-food regimes.
Going to treatment exposed me to foods and ways of life that I had counted out of my life for many years. I was forced to eat three meals and three snacks a day. I was forced to eat foods I had taken out of my diet completely. And I have to be honest with you... it worked. It scared me and caused so much pain, but it worked.
I learned that food is food. Food is fuel - and we have to use it in that way. We can't attach ourselves to diet after diet. We cant count out foods that we deem unhealthy. We have to see all food as food. Whether it's a McDonalds cheeseburger or a chef salad, food is food. It is fuel for our bodies and it is the only way that our bodies can function the way that they are supposed to.
If you struggle with any of these thoughts, I highly recommend the book Intuitive Eating. It really changed my life.
15. Allow yourself to laugh.
As I said before, for so long I held my emotions in. For so long I didn't let myself laugh - I mean, really laugh.
There was one day in treatment that I will never forget. I was sitting at the dinner table around 1AM with some of my roommates. We were talking and just having a really great time. As we were talking, I began to laugh.. not just a small little laugh, but a deep from the heart laugh. It brought tears to my eyes, for I hadn't allowed myself to really laugh like that in so long. I was always so aware of myself. Always so on edge trying to be perfectly put together, that I had forgotten how to let myself really have a good time. I cried that night as I continued to laugh real laughs.
I learned that we can't always set such high expectations of ourselves. Instead of trying to be who we think we need to be, we need to just enjoy where we are, who we are with, and who we are. We need to truly be present, emotions and all. I pray that this year you can allow yourself to laugh, and really laugh, from your heart.
16. Write. Write it out.
I've always been a writer. Writing has always been my outlet and my escape from the world around me. It is the best way for me to get my emotions out and the easiest way for me to express myself. But, I stopped using this outlet a long time ago.
I stopped journaling and getting in touch with that creative side of me. I did not realize until Miami how much that affected me. I started writing again when I was in Miami and it was a game changer. I could get what I was feeling out and express my words in a way that I hadn't been able to in so long. I continue to write and journal daily. It serves as a therapy and an outlet for me to really connect with myself.
So, whatever it is. Whatever your thing is that really makes you connect and feel like you, I hope for you that you can get back to it this year. I hope that you can use whatever it is to become closer and more deeply connected to who you are.
17. Live in the What If.
What if. What if this actually works? What if I actually accomplish my dreams. What if what they're saying, what if it actually works?
This year I learned to live in the What If. In Miami, it was so hard for me to trust the professionals that were around me. It was so hard for me to really believe that what they were saying and doing would actually work. The only way that I got through it was to live in the what if. What if eating these meals and snacks actually helps me become better? What if these sessions, what if they actually work? I had no idea if it would. I went to Miami unsure of if I really actually needed to be there. But, it worked. I made myself live in that what if; and it worked.
I hope for you that you can learn to live in the what if of whatever situation you find yourself in this year. I hope that you can power through and see that the what if can sometimes bring about the biggest blessings in your life.
18. Listen to your Inner self.
For so long, I did not listen to myself. To that inner feeling that I had about things. To that inner voice telling me what I should and should not do. To that driving feeling in my life, I didn't listen to it.
This year I learned to do just the opposite of that. I learned to listen to myself. To my inner self. To my inner feelings about things. I learned to do what I felt I should do.I learned to be what I felt I should be, instead of listening to what everyone else and society expected of me.
We all have an inner self that tells us how we think and feel about things. We know what we want to do and what we should do, we just have to listen to ourselves. So often we are driven to not listen to that inner self. My hope for you this year is that you can learn to listen to your inner self. I have found that it brings about so much happiness and clarity in your life.
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2018 was a year of trials, triumphs and change. It was a year of many different times coming together as one.
As 2019 continues, I hope and pray that all of you can take what you learned in the last year with you into 2019. I hope that this post could speak to someone who maybe needed it at the time.
Cheers to bigger and better times,
Melanie
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