There’s something about the sky. Its peace. The soft surrender it offers- an escape from the motion around us. The slow movement of the clouds, the occasional bird or plane. It brings you back to the simplicity that we all too often forget.
I’m on a swing.
As my legs pump I can feel the air, its gentle breeze that I am creating. It’s rejuvenating. It’s freeing. It’s childish and fun.
How long has it been since you’ve felt this?- my mind asks.
As I continue to pump, I grasp the handles a little harder and I allow my torso to lean back. I close my eyes as I let my body feel the sensation of freedom. My gentle movement in time - it’s almost as if I’m flying and no one else exists. Then I open my eyes and gaze up. The blue sky, the softness of the clouds. They’re peace. I feel peace.
It is too hard to forget these feelings, isn’t it? It is too hard to know who we fully are - too easy to forget ourselves amongst the hustle and bustle of our world. As I am here, in this moment, I feel that I am the only one. There are no judgements. No eyes following me. No words hurting me or breaking me down. In this moment I feel the positive sides of being alone.
Philippians 4:8 asks us to remember all that is true, honorable and just; all that is pure, pleasing and commendable. It tells us to think about these things and to identify if there is any excellence we see. To identify if there is anything worthy of praise.
As I am here, in this moment of pureness, I reflect on what this verse means to me in my life.
My name is Melanie. I am 23 years old and I believe in the power of finding one’s purpose in the world. I am a deep thinker and an individual whose emotions show outwardly on her face. I am a woman; a woman who’s a little lost, but who has a great desire to be found. A woman who stands on her own two feet even when life, trials and adversity attempt to knock her down.
I am not perfect, but I am learning to accept that perfection is not a destination that can be found. I am lost, but I am trying to find myself. I am trying to be found.
I am Melanie. I am someone you can count on. I won’t tell you something I don’t mean or promise you something and not follow through. I will fight for what’s right and I will be by your side when life knocks you down.
I am Melanie, but you can call me Mel. I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter. I am an overly proud aunt and a spoiler to those little ones, too.
I am Mel. I do not start things I will not finish. I love to learn and I hope to continue to learn each day of my life.
I am Mel. I have huge ambitions and I truly hope to someday see them all through. I possess a great desire to make an impact upon this world and I believe my opportunity to do so will one day come.
I am Mel, and I love to write. Reading has never been my favorite but writing has always come easily to me. I have a dream of one day writing a book.
I am Mel, and I’m a Believer. I believe my life is a testament to God’s word and I hope and pray to live in accordance with Him.
I am Mel and you probably think you know all there is to know about me. You see what you see and you know what you think you know.
I am Mel and, to be honest, I am scared to hear what you think you know.
You probably look at me and see someone that is doing really well. You might see a tall girl with a smile on her face. A helping hand you can count on. A smile, happiness, and a life you may wish you could be living. You see travels and a worldly view. A straight-A, perfectionist, overactive woman that has her life together, is that right?
Let me ask you: do you see a body? Do you see it? Do you notice it?
In this area- no, I don’t know what it is that you see. But I can tell you what you do not see. Because what you do not see is a whole lot greater than what you do.
I am Melanie, and what you don’t see are my struggles. You don’t see my shame. You don’t see the tears I shed when I am alone at night and I cry.
I am Mel and what you don’t see is my eating disorder. My mental illnesses, the part of me that I hide from you. Because it scares me. Because it hurts. Because it brings me so much pain.
I am Mel and I have diagnosed depression, anxiety disorder and anorexia, an eating disorder.
I am Mel and I’m not going to hide it anymore.
I am ready to take my life back.
I am ready to be honest with you because this is my life and it isn’t worth hiding anymore.
I am Mel and I have struggled with an eating disorder since before I was ten years old. I am not hiding it anymore, in fact, quite the contrary. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it so maybe one day my story can help someone else.
So, I am Melanie and yes, I have an eating disorder.
I’ve been in treatment for the last four and a half months in Miami, Florida… and I’m getting my life back. I’m learning to love myself, instead of hate. I’m learning to let others love me.
This is something that has taken many things from me over the years. It made me someone that I’m not.
But I’m not that person anymore.
I’m Mel, and I want to talk about it. I want this story to be told.
Because I don’t want to struggle anymore. I also don’t want people to walk on egg shells with me about it. I want people to ask what they want to ask so they can know what they need to know.
There are hundreds of us that struggle in silence, and I don’t want it to be that way anymore.
So, ask! Ask me all that you want to. I am ready to tell. I am ready for my story to be told. -
Thanks for reading ON THE INSIDE! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
