“What is your superpower?”
My college professor asked, her words cutting through a silent classroom.
I stared with glazed eyes as my mind scrambled to find coherent words to speak before the class.
Internal banter arose…
Focus, Melanie
Pick up a folder or two
Stall as long as you can
Slow your heart rate,
Breathe.
Oh no, it is time,
She called on you.
Stand up from your chair,
In front take your place.
My hands gripped the podium and I began as my voice shook,
My name is Melanie and my superpower is my ability to write.
I have never believed it to be a superpower,
But it is the only thing that has ever come easily to me.
It is how I understand myself and my interactions with the world around me
It is my safe space and my tool for discernment.
Done
Exhale
Breathe.
Writing has always come easily to me
My words flow from my soul onto the page,
Effortlessly and raw as if they have been waiting for me.
It is as if I experience the words and their corresponding meanings as and when I scribble them onto the page.
I love it.
It makes me feel alive.
Effortlessly effortless.
It is when I place expectations upon myself that the words seem to be far from reach.
Their flow is halted
Writing can start to seem like an impossible feat.
If these moments creep in,
The blank page stares at me
As if it were a mother's eyes gazing with anticipation toward what her child is going to do next.
Do not mess up.
White page
Pencil in hand
Glaring eyes from expectant minds
The writer is blank.
Many parts of my system long for greatness.
Do not be good, be great
Do not just pass, get straight A's
Do not hit the ball and run, smash and score
Whatever you do, do it better
Do it more.
When I was young, I came to believe that being great was the way to be recognized.
To be recognized was to be important
To be important was to belong
To belong was to be seen
To be seen was to be safe
To be safe was the only way to live with security.
If I felt that what I wanted or desired would challenge the status quo or cause disruption to the world around me,
My mind told me to hold back.
To cut off.
Having connection was important.
To be different was to risk losing those whom I was connected to.
I pushed the limits sometimes
Allowed myself to meander down the route that veered off and satisfied my creative soul
- but then I pulled back.
I found that so many parts of me were much more content hanging out in the background
Trying to ensure everyone else was safe and okay
Rather than taking the forward steps that I desired for my own life.
To challenge that narrative was anxiety-producing and caused conflict inside.
Like a see-saw on a playground,
I teeter-tottered back and forth between the functioning two.
I used to ride four-wheelers with my best friend around her parent's pasture.
We would rev our engines as we squirmed throughout the land.
Over time, our tire's consistent tracks formed a path.
As we sped from one corner of the pasture to the other, it became only natural to take the known and engrained route.
If we off-roaded our path, the go was bumpy.
I think about that from time to time.
When I was in treatment for my eating disorder, I learned about the neural pathways in our brain
The thought and feeling patterns that develop over time.
I learned about how, once a thought is present for long enough, a neural pathway is formed.
Said neural pathways are tied directly to our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.
Just like those four-wheelers shook if we deterred our direction off of the engrained path,
It can be scary and anxiety-inducing to trudge toward a new possibility, thought or belief in our lives.
A friend of mine recently came to visit.
She had been to a conference for work and a woman she met dropped a profound piece of encouragement on her lap.
It went something like this,
"I encourage you to not allow greatness to hold back what is good enough.
Far too many people never start because they do not think they are great when, in reality, their vision as it stood likely would have been more than good enough.
We all start somewhere.”
My friend shared this little seed of knowledge with me and we spoke about it for hours while she was here.
Its impact continues to ricochet in my mind.
When I think about the need to cross all of my T's and dot all of my I's before I step foot into anything,
It is the need to ensure control and set up for greatness that propels that function's place.
Be great to ensure you are okay
Be great to ensure you do not hurt
Be great to ensure you do great and do not make any wrongs along the way
Great, great, great.
Do you know where this mentality has gotten me?
To a reality where I have totes upon totes of full journals and sketchbooks whose pages speak of the dreams that have wandered through my mind
And little to no action of said dreams taking sight.
Where there is a necessity for greatness, my inner paralysis is found.
Where the expectation is perfection, forward motion seems impossible throughout.
Years ago I met a woman at a Florentine supermarket.
I had just arrived in Florence, Italy for my semester-long study abroad.
I walked into the supermarket and was met by a beautiful Papillon named Monte
His tail wagged vigorously as he stood in the shopping trolley.
I approached the beautiful dog and spoke in my - doggie you are so cute - voice.
His owner said hello and thus our friendship began.
We spent every Thursday thereafter together.
Today, we see each other rarely but speak often.
I recently spent a week with her and her new Papillon, Lorenzo.
We spoke about dreams and possibilities.
Desires and mental blocks.
I told her about my vision of the reality that I would love to see
About how I often feel paralyzed inside as I think about how to start
How it oftentimes feels like my own personal Everest
To get to it - to find a way to summit to the top.
My mind tells me that I have to do it well, with precision and care
I have to complete with control and intention,
Hold steady,
Full stare.
I told her how I feel stuck
Like I cannot take even one forward step
Forget about reaching the top,
Even beginning is an impossible feat to be met.
She looked at me and smiled
Then a simple question she posed,
"Have you ever thought about walking around the mountain?"
I laughed and sat there, unable to have a thought composed.
My mind tells me…
It is a mountain, you have to pass
Go up and down, going around is not a possibility for this task.
After all, greatness demands that I take the hardest, most impressive route to the top.
To let go of the expectations
To go against the world's grain
To deter from the path that is learned, known and ingrained.
To function and be
Without expecting greatness or to be perfect
Can feel like a boulder that is now chasing me
Threatening to flatten my livelihood and remove my safety from being kept.
-
Some parts will be scared
Some parts will hold fear
Some parts will say no
Some parts will beg me to stay near.
Some parts may say yes
Formulate new desires and dreams
Some parts may urge change
Beg for flexibility and for my mind to allow less control of the scene.
My professor posed a silly question
That evoked memories of watching cartoons in my mind
Today I wonder if she was pointing toward the importance of speaking to our truths out loud,
Allowing them space outside of our minds.
Perhaps parts of us hold control
Attachment to old needs
While other parts of us foster desires
Lie the foundation for our dreams.
Like those four-wheelers shook if my friend and I deterred our direction off of the engrained path,
Perhaps it was always going to be scary to trudge toward a new possibility, belief or track.
Perhaps instead of living a life where we abide by the norm
We could ask ourselves questions and search for alternative realities that could be born.
As with that drop of encouragement that left a ricochet
Perhaps we could follow our inklings
Step foot into our desires
Instead of waiting for the greatness that we hope to achieve one day.
Be prudent in our responsibilities
While allowing for nuance to be met.
Question the narrative in our minds
Because what if it is good enough to take a step?
My writing flows from my soul
From inside to out
Be it a superpower or not
I have to allow space for it to flow throughout.
I have the power to stop it
If I do not allow the space for it to be
If I cling to those parts that demand greatness, control and rigidity.
They say that we all start somewhere,
I hope for the courage to push go.
We cannot know what is to come
We can only muster up the strength to begin the flow.
White page
Pencil in hand
I do not have to be great
I just have to begin.
