Along the river, I walk. As one foot glides in front of the other, I look up. Beautiful and unique architecture surrounds. Pastel colors - yellows, pinks, oranges and blues. Grey clouds in the sky - it is overcast today. Luckily for me, the snow-capped mountains and blue skies peek through off in the distance. I feel the grounding effect of the nature that surrounds. It brings a sense of peace to my mind.
I smell the blooming plants as I continue on my way. A smile pierces my lips as a child passes that is learning to ride a bike. And soon another pulling a carriage that holds her baby doll.
I walk - not as I once did with urgency, speed and an agenda in mind - but leisurely.
Today, I take in the things around me. There are sights, sounds, smells, people, places and things that surround.
Today, I am aware of them.
Today, I feel as if I am starting anew.
Beginning a new journey.
Turning a life's page.
Beginning again.
It feels good to write.
Writing is an outlet which, for me, provides context, perspective, and clarity. It provides the ability to connect and check in with myself. It is a tool that enables me to feel more, me.
Writing is also the first thing that my system often abandons when life starts to feel chaotic. I can fall into a cycle of busying myself with other things and fail to focus on self work, me time and self expression.
This tendency is tied to fear of where my creativity and personal desires will take me. That road is not marked. That destination is unknown.
That question of - IF I do THIS.. IF I take THIS leap... IF I share THESE thoughts via written word... THEN...WHAT?
That is the question that haunts me.
THEN...WHAT?
That question has the power to bring me to an immediate stop.
Like a train whose breaks are pulled to one hundred percent when the engine was running at top speed.
The stop is not leisurely or slow.
There are screeches.
There is smoke.
There are fumes and heat that fill the air.
The passengers feel the whiplash.
It is loud.
It is chaotic.
What is behind that sudden onset of the breaks?
The fear.
The fear of the what if. The fear of the unknown. The fear of judgement - of those whispers and head turns that could surround.
What would they say? Would the words be kind, supportive and uplifting? Or would they be harsh and demonizing? What if the were harsh? What would that mean for me? What would I do then? How would I move on?
... the internal tape would continue to play and the weight of those fears would multiply until I am the train. And my engine is now overheating due to my abrupt and chaotic halt.
If that fear could speak - you now have a small glimpse into what it would say.
I have shared my words before. I have found the courage somewhere within to share pieces that have made up my story. Some of those words have been easy to share - highlighting worldly travels and experiences. Others have spoken of challenging times - things that I have been fearful to share.
You see, I know that this life is comprised of many separate moving parts. If our journeys could be showcased - perhaps we would each be given a hallway. A hallway comprised of many doors - each of which contain a separate piece of our lives, our beings.
I am often afraid to open the doors which hold the pieces of me that present struggles. Fears. Pains.
It is easier to share insights about ourselves through opening the doors which seemingly shine bright. The doors of life in which we feel proud. The doors that hold our smiles. Happiness. Colorful pictures of where we have been and how we have become. Our "highlight reels", if you will.
My experience is that it is much harder to open the doors which hold the things with which I struggle. The doors that hold pain, grief, sorrow and shame. The doors that hold my tears. The doors that place me amongst my fears.
Propping these doors open can be freeing.
For a moment, not only a fraction of me is known.
That feels good.
Then there are moments of time as life's clock continues to tick where the door stop is removed. Fears and thoughts that consume make those doors vulnerable to creeping back closed.
I am shut off again.
I am living. I am chugging through life. I am getting things done. I am finding some version of success. Yet I am not acknowledging the me that I became through the trials. Through the tribulations. Through the learning and pain.
Why is it so much easier to divert off of the path which holds the things that we have grown from? The pieces that we have worked through? The acknowledgement of the trials that life has thrown our way?
Why is the path that pushes these things down so much easier to veer back to?
There is exhaustion at play. To push those doors back open it can feel as if we need an unattainable amount of energy and strength.
I know that the paths which have defined me for most of my life are more engrained. Those paths are clearly marked and, for now, easier to find comfort and safety within.
I know that the paths of learning. The paths which hold today's most up to date information. These paths will one day be the most engrained if we find resilience to say the course.
With life comes learning.
With learning comes change.
With changes comes perspective.
With all of these things, comes growth.
And growth can be freeing.
Growth is a blessing.
My desire is for my doors to all be open.
My desire is to live a life in sync with my soul.
A life where rooms of bliss and joy are only strengthened by the doors that stand open to the rooms of trials and pain.
My hope is that the learning from the challenges can propel my life.
For those pieces to result in added doorways and rooms that hold bliss, learning and growth.
Today, I am walking this walk.
Today, I take on the discomfort of trudging into this unlit, unknown and undefined path. I take it on for hope of what could come as my steps continue on.
The fear is there.
The fear is not silenced - but its volume today is low.
Today, I choose to walk with leisure.
Today, I am learning to walk this walk.
Today, I choose to smell the scents of the world that surround.
Today, I choose to see the street art, the architecture, the people passing by. And to ponder the meaning behind it all.
Today, I walk this walk.
For tomorrow, well, tomorrow's path is unknown.
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