I always tell myself I am going to continue writing and being vulnerable with the things that are on my heart.
I tell myself- don’t worry about who's listening. Don’t worry about what others will think. Don't worry about what will come next.
Just, write.
It’s my coping skill- writing.
It’s my anxiety reducer and my breath of fresh air.
I’m so passionate about putting experiences and stories of life into words. Drawing meanings from the things that happen around me.
I try to be open and vulnerable because – maybe, just maybe – my words will touch another’s soul.
Maybe, just maybe, my words that I write now will one day down the road help me again. Give me some hope. Maybe some perspective, too.
There’s a lot that I want to say. There’s a lot that I want to do.
But, fear and anxiety typically hold me back.
It’s been my experience that that’s something we don’t openly talk about all too often in our society.
Fear. Anxiety.
Self-Doubt.
I don’t know about you, but I hold all of that stuff way too dear. Way too close. Way too much and way too often.
I think about a dream and then the self-doubts trickle in.
“You’ll never be able to do that.” “You’ll never get there.” “You’ll surely mess it up.”
Self-doubt. Anxiety. Fear – they can be demonizing.
They can be degrading and they can leave us stuck in a rut – ruminating over our short comings, our flaws, and our faults.
The walls that encompass us around those ruts can feel like they’re a mile high.
We can scramble to dig ourselves out of those ruts – but at times we can feel that all we’re doing is climbing, reaching, striving and then falling back down again.
That's where I am at today.
I feel the walls surrounding me are so high that I am too defeated to even try.
I know what I want.
I think I know what I need.
But the hurdle to overcome and reach those things seems way too high for my stride.
Do you ever feel this way?
Maybe like you’d rather lie in a ball on the floor than get up and put out the immense fight that lies ahead?
I do. Today, I do.
Today, I am mentally and emotionally drained. Today, the defeat has won and taken over me.
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What do we do with that?
What do we do when that happens? When the fight ahead seems bigger than the fall? When those fears. When those anxieties. When those self-doubts embrace and take over us all? ----
Does it really benefit us to shut down?
Does it really benefit us to let those things win?
Does it really benefit us to succumb to the societal norms that are thrown all around us?
“Hold it in.” “Keep your composure.” “Don’t let it win.”
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Guess what!
The answer for me, is no.
No, it doesn’t benefit me to hold it in.
No, it doesn’t benefit me to keep my composure and pretend that I’m this perfect, uninterrupted, robotic, unemotional version of myself. ----
You know what does help me?
What really helps me?
Talking about it.
Letting down my walls and admitting.
Admitting that I’m scared. Admitting that I’m hurting. Admitting that I’m in pain.
Because, guess what? That’s real.
That’s honest, raw and true.
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For so many years I have held things in.
I’ve masked my pains and I’ve pretended I’m okay when I am really not.
Mental Health. Fear.
Anxiety. Depression. Self-Doubt.
These things are REAL.
These aren’t just things you read about or see in movies.
These are real feelings and real experiences that statistics say – about 99% of people feel at some point in their lives.
As I sit here and write today – emotions have overcome.
I am scared of what you’ll think.
I am scared of what you’ll say and do.
I am scared of how you’ll see me.
But- I don’t want that to stop me.
I want to live in a world where we can talk about our mental health.
I want to live in a world where we can talk about our fears and anxieties and our perceived short comings.
I want to live in a world where those around me don’t have to put on a façade- to mask their inner strengths, trials, tribulations, pains and gains.
I want people to be able to talk to me.
I want to be able to talk to you.
I don’t want to have to worry that I’ll be seen as “different” for feeling the way that I feel and being the way that I am.
The truth is-
We are all imperfect.
That’s just human nature.
We are all flawed and imperfect beings.
But- having feelings doesn’t equate us to imperfection.
Feeling mentally drained and feeling fear, feeling anxiety and pains – that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us.
It means we are human.
It means we’re living in this world.
It means we are together. Alike. Imperfect beings that are feeling our way through this world.
My hope and prayer is that we can unite together and bond over our strengths... and our pains.
That we can talk about it.
Stop ghosting our feelings and instead have conversations about them.
Because, at the end of the day,
We’re Human.
We’re imperfect, flawed, strong, balanced, and courageous human beings that need each other.
That feel anxiety. That experience depression. That have fears.
And we’re way better off if we talk about those things instead of holding them in.
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