So, here I am, staying at home the whole Saturday.
It’s 2 a.m., and I just woke up after a small nap because I started feeling sick. With many thoughts on my mind, I am starting to write this on-chain entry.
I spent the whole day at home, as is usual lately, in a cozy environment in the living room with orchestral music and candles (Andre Rieu is amazing, btw), to finish three assignments I had until Monday.
All of them are pretty hard and half-done at the very best. Sadly, I didn’t make the progress I was expecting after so many hours.
I wasn’t planning to go out today in the first place, but rarely do I have three different invitations to parties and fun nights in the span of 3 hours.
However, I rejected all of them, which is kind of surprising since, except for the fact that I am a sucker for parties, I am also a yes-man.
And I started thinking, Why?
There are general and specific reasons.
Let’s get the generic stuff out of the way in the format of self-questioning.
Is it because of the assignments?
Well, it’s surely a big part, but I think ultimately it is a respectable excuse. I know myself; therefore, I know that if I wake up tomorrow late, even in a hangover situation, I can still do them and perform above average.
I know that because I have done it a lot of times in my life, my clarity becomes stronger with a sense of urgency.
Is it because I am basically broke?
Nah, that’s stressful but practically the easiest one. I can either not drink at all or fill my flask with cheap booze.
Is it because I am in pain when I walk due to my back problems?
That sucks, but still, I can take a painkiller and go out. The pain will become stronger tomorrow, but I can ignore it for today.
So why?
I still don’t have a complete answer, but I have the feeling that once I go through the invitations, the answer will become more clear.
So bear with me a little more.
At ~7 p.m., my friends in the group chat said they would go to a party at an occupied place.
A usual recipe: a safe and chill environment, along with my friends that I have missed so much these last weeks.
Why didn't I go then?
I have months to say to them something really good about my life.
Something complete, you know?
I solved this. Or I don’t struggle so much every day.
I am sick of this. Don’t get me wrong; they aren’t the types of people who will judge me or try to advise me.
They will listen to me and try to get my mind off through jokes, discussions, etc
And I love them for that. I am just tired of whining at this point.
“But Senti, that’s what friends are for.”
Yeah, but when you are with people and tell your news and how you feel, you project a version of yourself, and you carry it the next day.
So, when I see them on the holidays, I just want to be able to say at the very least:
“Yo, I struggled, but I finished the semester, delivered everything on time, and I think I will crush those exams in January as well.”
“How have you been mfer? I missed you.”
Something good, you know?
At 9 p.m., my phone rang; it was another friend. She called me to tell me that a friend of hers was in town and they would go out, asking if I would be out or if I wanted to join them.
I said to her a mix of the above in general and that I would meet her during the holidays.
I won’t expand a lot on this, but the last time we met, she kind of left me confused, and I just think it would be healthier for our relationship to see her when I am in a better place.
I miss her way more than she probably thinks, though.
Now, that last one surprised me too.
So around 3 weeks ago, I went on a date with a girl. We had a nice chat for some hours and said to each other that we would like to meet again.
I never texted her, though, cuz of some stuff that happened later. She didn’t text either, so I thought, "Well, maybe she’s not interested.”
She texted after a while, and we started talking again, but we still hadn’t managed to meet. So tonight she invited me to a party and I said no.
If you told me yesterday that I would have the chance to go to a party out of my cluster, meet new people, and also be fairly likely to be in a more private situation with a girl, I would say sign me up. It’s been some time since this happened.
In spring, I saw the Lady for the last time, and she decided to turn on the cold mode and kill all the hope I had left.
“You will be fine,” she said
Her last words.
It's almost funny how trauma works.
Since that day, many times I came close with others, mostly random path crosses, but never went till the end, and somewhere in the middle of this writing up, I finally understood why.
I was pushing myself to have fun through all the pain I was experiencing, with the hope of healing some of it.
And I was so wrong.
Yes, sometimes you need to push yourself. But this isn’t the right timing.
This is the time of solitude.
I did that again back in August; it was very helpful. I wrote all those stories, and I spent quality time with myself.
But it was easier in the summer when I still had the bicycle, no responsibilities, and everyone was away from Athens.
And, when the misfortunes came back, I fell behind again and again.
But now?
Amidst winter? No sun, home all day, and with all the above shit going on?
That’s the way I think: to effectively rebuild what I am missing.
My courage.
And one last thing.
Sometimes I really have second thoughts about the Masters.
I am overinvested, and it’s highly unlikely that will help me with the ways that most people are pursuing a Master.
But I think that I chose it because I wanted something to stick with. Something to keep me clean, to make me feel ambitious, to let me stay on Web3 for the years to come.
And if I go past this phase, then it’s worth it—an achievement to be proud of.
---In the bleak midwinter---
I run slowly under the dawn.
The glowing jumper covers the broken body.
The pen starts.
Fix the body.
Leave the rotten habits behind.
The soul will follow.
But the hole?
Which one?
The one named after the smiling girl.
I will fill it.
How?
With a new one, a more pure, self-loving one.
You have fallen behind...
Fuck you!
I won’t back off.
One day, I will win too.
Thank you for reading 🪄❤
