Mother’s Day , 14 May of 2023
The last time I saw you,
We’re going to a concert and I waited for you outside the theater. I brought you a rose because you are a dog-mama. You laughed and hugged me, everything seemed so happily familiar. Till we went inside. Something changed, started feeling off.
I remember with how much admiration I was watching you smiling and dancing though the waves of music.
And I almost prayed that you could look me in the same way again. We went outside and I tried to tell you how I feel, trying to picture you a future. You flipped the switch and turned ice cold. It was hurting to see you like this and hear the words you said. I guess you were trying to kill my hope, for the best.
I guess we were both delusional. Me to expect more from you. You to expect less from me.
I don’t remember most of the things we said, cuz were pointless.
The subway was closing in a few minutes. My eyes seemed broken.
You told me:
"How do you think I feel seeing you like this and can’t do nothing to help you?"
And I said: "You know what?"
But I couldn’t say it, yet you told me to get it out.
And I said:
I’m afraid that you will forget me.
To hear in response: "Yes those are selfish thoughts."
I don’t remember if we said anything else but it was obvious you felt uncomfortable, waiting for this to end.
So, without words I turned my back and went down to the subway.
I think it’s a story that didn’t end the way I wanted.
And it hurts me due to the lost time that ain’t coming back, the pain that ain’t going away.
I haven’t managed to close it, not a day that I haven’t thought about you, wondering if you have already forget. Probably I don’t believe that there will be a better story. For so many reasons. I guess that’s why most times, I'm afraid whenever I meet someone to go further than a simple goodnight kiss or I make it complicated on mind.
But I want to believe it.
I have so much to give.
I hope to live enough to see the best things life has yet to unveil.
You can’t imagine how many fictional images my mind has created about the next time I see you.
Most times is like that: I see you randomly and I am shocked, I am crying even lose my senses, cuz the pain and the hope has flesh and stands in front of me.
I don’t tell you anything most of the times cuz why I am supposed to tell you?
Positive stuff and mask my pain so you would think I am doing good and our story didn’t fuck me up.
Or tell everything, even the stuff I haven't said to anyone, except from the "Dutch", making you feel sad?
Nah I don’t want neither of those, so I keep my lips closed except for a word.
I bring my wallet out and I give you the business card that’s been there for the last years, your first business card with your name on it. I remember how proud I felt for you and my belief that you are just getting started, cuz I know you can achieve everything that you will put in your mind.
The word is "Always"
The card isn’t on my pocket anymore.
You see, I went on that party today.
And while I don’t have a clue about you anymore, I thought you were probably partying too somewhere, in this infinite world.
It’s you birthday after all, my Lady.
I had all the excuses to punish myself but I didn’t do it. And when the morning came the guys told me that my eyes seemed so clear.
Just like the first time you met me.
I told them I’ve a ritual to do and I’d be back in a few minutes.
And I walked to find the spot, I sat on the edge of that abandoned building.
I brought the card out of my pocket.
After so much time , I realised that I’ve trapped my mind into illusion and there was only one way out of it.
So, I lit the lighter to set it on fire and burn the loophole.
But the flames didn’t work on that MF card.
I found another way though, a better one.
I whispered a few words into wind, for you and for me--I’ll keep them to myself though.
And then, I threw that card away like I was casting a spell, like I was Yugi.
It was a relief even stronger than I’d imagine.
The closeout of the future, the ghost, isn’t there anymore...
But what about the closeout of the past?
Sometimes I am so blind bruh.
It was there all the fuckin time, I just couldn’t connect the dots till now.
Because you see my friend,So, without words I turned my back and went down to the subway.
The story didn’t end there.
I was going down the subway’s stairs but my mind was screaming.
I stop and run through the street back to her.
We face each other.
And I say:
If I don’t see you again, you know that I wish only the best you, right?
You hug me and tell me:
You will be fine, ok?
Yeah I say...
But I want to be with you!
And somehow the way I said it, broke the ice around her, and she jiggled, she smiled in such a spontaneous way.
That’s my last visual memory of her.
And I think now, it’s such a good closeout, you know?
I loved that smile so, so fuckin much, it was warming my existence even in that moment.
In the end, on my own bitter end, I still made her smile.
I can be in peace from that perspective, even if the pain never leaves entirely.
You know Miss,
I just wanted to be your person.
Now I trust the universe, we can both find our persons, in one of the stations the train of life passes and stops through, before the trip ends.
I loved every laugh we shared together...
May the future bless us 🪄
Happy Birthday, Silia ❤
It's been a rough year
Been some tough tears
I've lost so fast
All that I had
But when it's time to
I'll fight for you
'Cause you know you are
Why I've come so far
I've make mistakes
And I've been hard hit
I say so what
So what if I did
I'm the clear eyed
I'm the comeback kid
Start it over
Start it over again
I'm the clear eyed
I'm the comeback kid