It took me 20 minutes to make coffee and another 5 to get outside.
But I couldn't resist because the sun was beautiful today. So I went outside on the street and tried to sit at the bus station, but I couldn't. I stood still, with my hands on the railing... As I was listening to music, I heard a clap, and I looked over my head, it was my father.
- How is it going?'
- It doesn't go well.'
- Why don't you go inside?'
- I like the sun, Dad.'
- Come over there then,' he said to me, He was on the balcony.
- Yes, I will come soon.'
Then I put my head down, cried a bit, and went into my parent's home.
I have done nothing for the past three days because I had the flu. I still had some minor symptoms, but the first two days were pretty bad. I couldn't even sleep. And then, on Friday night, I tried to come off the bed and stand on my feet, and I couldn't stand. I was forced to sit in a chair and use its wheels to move around the house.
So I went to the doctor the next day, and he said to me that we should try some therapies, but if they don't work and nothing changes, then I should go for surgery on my back. And, to be completely honest, I would prefer to go for surgery because if it goes well and the pain stops, then I may have a second chance with my body, and I don't plan to waste it this time.
The problem with the medical system in Greece is that you either need a lot of money or you need insurance and good connections in a hospital. I don't have any of them, but my parents will help as much as they can, so I think even if it's the worst-case scenario, we will work something out.
Now, I have made some pretty big sacrifices for the last few months and worked on many things at the same time. And it's hard to be consistent when your body fails you every other week, basically, and every day, just like now.
And while I can't do a lot of things, I also don't have the mentality that, you know,
"What is happening to me, I can't catch a break."
I know that everything that happens to me, is my own. I own it because the present is me, the past is me, and the future is also me. I want to figure out how the next few days will be, or how much I can write and study in this situation.
And the people around me—I'm pretty sure that they think I have gone into a depressive mode.
But that's not true.
And I think this is because my New Year's resolution was that I am prepared to go low, really, really low to go high one day in terms of sacrifices and priorities, but not in terms of integrity.
The fact that you can achieve something in any way, I don't like it.
And I know that maybe it can be a bit masochistic. I know that you need to make compromises often.
And while I know that, as a friend said recently, taking the easy route sucks, I also believe that taking the hardest route may not be worth it as well. But the main difference is, that the main reason I'm better mentally nowadays than last year, despite having more problems, is that at least I'm building my self-respect now.
When you don't have self-respect, you are very susceptible to self-hating, and I don't want to go through this phase ever again. So, while I understand that maybe I'm making things too hard for myself, I'm going to ride with myself until the end.
Everyone can tell you what works for them, but nobody can tell you how to gain self-respect if you lose it. Even therapists (I think) make the questions; they don't provide the answers.
That's why I am writing today.
So I can move forward and backward according to my own, more tangible will.
And I went to the balcony.
It took me a few minutes to find a position where I wasn't in a lot of pain. But when I did, I just laid my head in the sun.
It feels so good...the next day, the sun will be there.
And you will be there too, until you won't.
My only pleasure these days.
And it's a good one, you know?
It's pure
Thank you for reading.
