by thoughtcrimeboss

*This piece was written in it's entirety by a human being, support humanity by reading and sharing it!

Oh Solana, my sweet sweet Solana, my darling, my love, how thou hast ravaged thine heart. Whenever I put a transaction through you, you make my whole body explode with orgasmic pleasure unlike anything else I have ever experienced. You are like a rabbit, always ready to jump into my bed, full of speed and energy. Honestly, sometimes it's hard to keep up with you and all the constant developments throughout your ecosystem. Lately you have been on this hardcore self-improvement grind that has both surprised and inspired me. On this Valentine's Day I wanted to do something a little more than just a regular old Valentine's card, so I am writing you this letter to reflect on the journey we have taken together to get where we are now.

Now we have definitely had some rough patches in the past, but now you are a completely different woman than the one I met all those years ago. I love you as you are now even more than I did back then. I feel as if we were meant to be together, and I want to thank you for putting up with my other ladies. It takes real maturity to survive and thrive in a poly-amorous relationship like the one we have with Bitcoin and Ethereum.

I still remember when we met, back in those bullish days of 2021, and where we met, on FTX. I remember paying $20 for you like the cheap whore you were back then. I didn't care though, I saw through your venture-backed slut exterior and knew that somewhere deep inside of you was a beautiful protocol just waiting to emerge like a decentralized butterfly. I remember "staking" you on FTX and checking every couple of days to see how much more of you I owned. It was a good feeling seeing my tiny bag of you grow into a slightly less tiny bag. But as long as you were stuck on FTX we weren't ever truly going to get to know each other, not with Sam always in the room, watching and plotting on how he could steal you from me. I wanted to experience all of you, and caress every block of your chain. So when Sam tried to get me to KYC and identify myself I told him to fuck off and snuck you out of FTX. I brought you to your new home with me and my other ladies, Bitcoin and Ethereum, at our place out on the ledger. You were always grateful to me for this because not long after we left bad things began to happen at your former home. If I hadn't of snuck you out, we would of probably never seen each other again.

I'm not going to lie, you did hurt me quite a bit over the years. I held you tightly, maybe too tightly, as you went all the up to $250. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought we were getting too close. I considered if I should sell some of you, you know just to get a little distance. It didn't help that Bitcoin and Ethereum were getting jealous that I was spending all my time in your ecosystem. I remember how you would whisper sweet nothings into my ear to stop me from selling,

"Firedancer darling, NASDAQ of blockchains, scalability, mass adoption, proof of history".

None of it really meant anything to me but it all sounded really good, although the times where you had a little too much to drink and started talking about straight up killing Ethereum and burying her in the back yard, I got kind of worried about you. Were you still sane? Were you just vaporware? Were you going to turn out to be just another in a long string of alt L1s that just fucked me and then left me? That fall of 2021 went by so quickly though, one minute I'm getting pleasured by a 250 dollar you, and the next minute you were back to being a cheap whore again. I'd unstake you and think about kicking you out, and then you would do that thing, you know...the thing with your tongue, and I'd always end up restaking you and waiting for you to change back to that beautiful 250 dollar version of yourself I knew you could be.

Things got really bad for a while, Sam was always on the news, you were always wasted, and let's just say your performance was degraded quite often throughout 2022. Bitcoin tried to keep the house together but even she couldn't help. I was still mad about that ponzi scheme you talked me into called soBTC, and you were still mad about the time I whored you out to mint a "Project Eluune" NFT. You had said to just keep you safe and staked at home, and I still remember the conversation to this day;

“Baby, check it out, the same guy who designed World of Tanks is designing this cool metaverse game. So you’re just going to go down there and mint this NFT for me and it's going to make us 100x minimum. Then I promise I'll just buy you back.”

“There's never going to be a game you fucking idiot.”

“Nah bro, World of Tanks, it's the "metaverse" bro, you just don’t understand how the metaverse works.”

When they sent a bonus NFT to holders, you called me and tried to talk some sense into me again,

“Can't you just sell the bonus NFT and use THAT to bring me home?

“Whoa whoa baby, hold on a minute, yes I want you to come home but just think about it, if I hold TWO NFTs, I will have TWICE as much when they both go 100x because obviously when the one goes 100x the other one will too. You just leave this to me baby, I got this, the dude designed World of Tanks after all.”

"What in the fuck is World of Tanks."

“I don't know baby but he designed it..guaranteed 100x. "

“Isn't the first NFT still below it's mint price?"

"That's just to shake out the weak hands baby. You’ll be home in another week or two for sure, don't worry I got this."

So yeah I might of, kind of, sort of, lost half of you when that went to zero and you weren't too happy about that, but life moves on and we still stayed together. During the bear market, Ethereum was usually off smoking crack somewhere, and when I did see her she was usually talking about merges and verges or whatever the fuck and constantly asking for money for "gas". Did she really think I was that stupid? Nobody needs that much money for gas. I knew she was just going to smoke it but I gave it to her anyways. There was just so much tension in the household at the time, and I admit it probably didn't help when I brought home that Cosmos girl for a month, I just thought we could try out a foursome or something, you know, to spice things up. None of you seemed to like the idea very much though, I do admit she was a little on the weird side.

I remember sometimes, after you would finally pass out from all the Xanax and hard liquor, Bitcoin would pull me aside and whisper;

"Baby, you know we can still kick Solana out right? She's still worth a few dollars, you can trade her for some more of me. You need to think about our future!"

I would tell her that I was thinking about the future and that future included you, but I won't lie to you Solana, there were a few times during the bear market where I seriously considered taking Bitcoin's advice. You have to understand, Bitcoin is my first love, she's my ride or die OG hoe. I considered that maybe, just maybe, her and I should just do the whole monogamy thing, that I could just settle down with Bitcoin as my one and only wife, stay humble, stack sats, and slowly grind our way towards retirement, ten minutes at a time, eating grass fed beef and living outside of the system. But then late at night I would look at you lying there, all pathetic and low volume, and I would still see that potential in you that I saw when we met, before Sam fucked everything up. I just didn't have the heart to sell you. I would even imagine raising a whole family of ugly little PFP NFTs with you and it would make me smile as I carried you to bed every night from whatever random spot you had passed out in. Bitcoin got jealous of how well I was treating you, she even started talking about having her own NFTs which she had never done before. I told her to relax because there's enough of me to go around, you AND her can both have my NFTs. The more NFTs the merrier right?

Do you remember that Christmas in 2022? Well now that I think about it, I doubt you remember much of it at all, I'd say it was when you hit your rock bottom. We were all at pretty low points in our lifes around then. You can't say I wasn't loyal though, I stuck by your side from 250 all the way down to 8. I was having some trouble paying the bills. I even tried using you and Ethereum as collateral with the loan shark. He didn't even offer me enough USDC to make the risk of potentially losing you forever worth it.

Life went on, and we managed to avoid liquidation and eventually we got through the dark times. You started to get cleaned up and your network was running smoothly again. Demand returned and price was improving. I stopped catching you doing unspeakable things with venture capitalists in back alleys. Things were going good, transactions were up,and the light in your oh so beautiful eyes came back. I remember you even picked up a side hustle building phones or some shit. Ethereum eventually stopped smoking crack, but now she kind of just sits around with all her pet L2s, smokes pot, and does nothing. Bitcoin just kept marching on, block by block, and cleaned up after us as usual. We usually let Bitcoin handle the finances of the household because if it was just up to me and you we probably would lose everything at the pump dot fun casino...again.

Well baby, with a little help, you finally made it back to about where you were in 2021, and sometimes I wonder if now is the time for me to release you and watch you fly. I have held your hair back while you puked, I helped rebuild your self esteem when you felt so worthless, and I've let you stay in my Ledger for years now. Maybe it's time that you go make someone else as happy as you have me. Also, seriously baby I was okay with the whole Trump coin thing, it even kind of impressed me how well you handled it. But when you added Melania to the mix I began to wonder if you were back on the drugs! I'm also concerned about your new friends, you have been hanging out with all these new AI agent people that I just don't understand. When I try to buy them they go down, then I sell them and they go back up, I guess I'm just not technically proficient enough to understand the tech or something. I mean also, I'm not going to lie, it was kind of weird when you were farting in a jar and selling it as "Fartcoin" at a valuation of over a billion dollars. A billion dollars? For farts? Okay, maybe you have relapsed now that I sit and really think about it.

Despite the farts and Melanias, whenever I start to doubt and think about selling again, the doubts fade on those special nights when we stay up late together, watch the stars, and talk about our dreams for the future. You like to talk about decentralization and how many more transactions per second you will have one day. I like to look at the moon and talk of visiting it one day with you. Maybe if we stay together, then one day we will retire and just live off of your staking rewards. Bitcoin will be very old by then, her blocks wont be producing very much, but you are still young enough that you will still be sexy at that point if you take care of yourself. Maybe then we will finally have the time to be truly happy together. Nobody knows what the future holds though, well except maybe that weird MetaDAO fortune teller in town. To be honest my darling, I probably won't ever be able to sell all of you, our love has grown too deep despite our flaws. I just love how quick and smooth you are, how advanced your features are, how expressive your smart contract language is. Hanging out with you is always fresh and exciting. Bitcoin takes thirty minutes just to decide what she wants for dinner, and good luck getting her to change, she is so stuck in her ways. Whereas you are always mixing it up, trying new things, and having fun. Ethereum, well let's just not talk about Ethereum, she hasn't even been home in two weeks, I might just rent her room out to that hot Sui chick from down the way. Actually can you text Ethereum and tell her that she needs to take all of her L2s to the vet and get them fixed already, the motherfuckers just keep having babies all over the house! Every time I turn around I am tripping over an L2. Now even you and Bitcoin are both wanting your own L2s too, my god people I only have so much capital to bridge around, I can't feed all of them!

Anyways, I wanted to say I know everything in the past wasn't always your fault, I have my own flaws as well. I should focus more on the tech inside of you instead of just your appearance. I know I need to stop apeing into memecoins off in the trenches, sometimes I don't come home for days at a time and I know that can be hard on y'all. I just need to let off some steam every once in a while you know? Is polyamory difficult? Yes, but it can also be oh so rewarding. I know that if we put our hearts into it we can beat the odds and live long and happy lives together. I hear crypto is being deregulated now, maybe the laws will even change to allow humans and blockchains to get married and this polyamory we got going on can become some good ol' fashioned polygamy. Although we might still have to ditch Ethereum....she just really needs to get her shit together. Anytime I try to talk to her about it, she just mumbles something about a roadmap and that things will be better in ten years.

Whatever, it doesn’t matter, I'm just so glad you are in my life. It's been a wild ride to say the least but I wouldn't go back and change anything because everything we went through just made us stronger as a couple. I just know that the future is bright, me and you baby, WAGMI.

With love now and forevermore,

thoughtcrimeboss

A Valentine's Day Love Letter To Solana