Unlearning Love and Moving On.
It was always so easy for me to blame circumstances, places, and people for everything that went on in my life. I talk in past tense even though I still struggle thinking that playing the victim role every now on then will get me somewhere. I blamed myself hard as well for too long, the guilt that weighed on me, no longer serves me it never did matter of fact. I’m not willing to carry something that’s not even mine, one more step further.
Today, I decide for all limiting beliefs to be left behind, once and for all.
IT’S GOD’S FAULT
Adopted at birth, I don’t have any information about my biological parents, I didn’t even spend not even 5 min in the arms of my biological mother. Fortunately, On July 14th, 1989 I came to be part of a beautiful, loving, and numerous family, there was no space for me to think or wonder where I really came from. Grew up surrounded by a lot of cousins and family friends spending our weekends on exciting family gatherings and trips. Mostly in the countryside, Valle del Cauca and Antioquia to be exact, here in my homeland, Colombia. The love I experienced from them, all my family, and from life itself was sufficient, at least it felt that at that time.
Mom always talked to me about God, he lived in heaven and he was the best basically, well you know, what they generally teach us about what God is. She also told me that he loved me so much that he gave me two moms, she said that he even had angels that always took care of us. I loved my life, I had everything, I loved God, I grew up in a wealthy and numerous family, I was happy. That was, until the day my dad was murdered, right in front of me in Mexico DF when I was about to turn 5 years old. I dodge automatic rifle bullets since then, my little brother and I were sitting in the back seat of the car when shots started raining in the car.
Well, guess who I blamed when my dad died? Yes, GOD almighty himself.
I may Not be The Director of The Universe, but I sure am the Editor of My Movie.
Did I have control over those events? Whose fault was it? Why did it happen?
I came up with thousands of questions and my emptiness was only to grow bigger. You know when they say that everything is perfect, well it is kinda true for me. Sometimes I think is a cowardly way for us to accept what happened, and sometimes I think that if all those events didn’t ever happen I wouldn’t be where I am now. And it’s true, but it’s also true that the alternate version of our lives could also include a happy ending. The hard road brought me here now, so what? Anyways, you can imagine what a trauma like that could have caused in a young boy to experience something like that, I mean, not only me, but my little brother, my sister, my mom, our family, and friends. I went on with my life with unmeasurable anger, resentment, blaming everything and everyone like a said, too much pain in disguise. We can spend the rest of our life talking about how all those difficult times affected us, how we made so many mistakes, how some people harmed us, how we lost, how that didn’t turn out for us, blablabla and this and that and that other thing. Or we can just tell our story NOT on victim mode. Being so bitter about it is useless, what for? When I started to write this article, I just wanted to share my story and talk about what happened to me. But life showed me a better way around this.
It’s about time for me to rewrite my script, but first, you need to ask yourself a couple of questions, If I may suggest.
Do you know, whose life are you living? Your parents? The life of a version of yourself that no longer serves your purpose? Are you living “society’s ideal dream life”? …
I realized that I’m NOT here to meet anyone’s expectations, I am not a competitor, and my life is not a race. You must have heard that before, but oh well, guess you had to read that one again today. Once I figured out through a very intense spiritual awakening, yes, I would like to say intense because it was, VERY intense, that I was basically running on autopilot, and things started to change. Unconsciously, I spent all these years of my life repeating someone else’s life patterns, and that only means that my brain works perfectly. We learn what Life is and replicate what we lived within the first 7 years of our lives. We imitate the meaning of Love, Money, Relationships, and the dynamics of all the areas of our lives from what surrounds us, which is mostly, our parent’s life. I needed to break free from them as soon as possible because THAT was the reason that I wasn’t achieving what I wanted for my life. I began believing and claiming my power back and I began experiencing a great sense of freedom and authority over my life.
One more question…
In the course experience, the relationship I began having with God, the universe, the force, destiny, energy, whatever you want to call it, I learned, experienced, and surrendered to real unconditional love. Hit bottom ground so hard that the only thing I could find down there, was LOVE and not what I thought it was. I surrendered to something bigger than me to teach me, to show me and it did, I’m forever grateful because I just got too sick of feeling empty, I was so tired of trying to control everything in my life for nothing. I allowed myself to believe in something I’ve always even felt resentment and hate towards, and by that I mean GOD, yes, I guess I hated everything at the core of it, I realized I hated myself as well.
Why did I do all this? To get attention, yes, and because I just simply did not know any better. Walking in circles, hurting myself to others, rejecting all the wonderful opportunities I have TODAY? Nah, I’ve had enough of that. I opened my eyes to see that unhealthy behavioral pattern was taught and passed on by our environment.
Broke free from addiction, I’m now free after over 13 years of psychiatric drug and marihuana dependency. In the eyes of the best doctors, my life and my mental health would always depend on drugs. There was no chance, this was something impossible for medicine. I was “diagnosed” with a Bi-Polar disorder, triggered by the abuse of alcohol and weed. That not only conditioned my mental health by it affected me in every area of my life for more than 14 years. My family, my career, my relationships…Mentally, Physically and Emotionally it was a beautiful lesson, the most significant event I experienced until today.
I open myself today to share this story because I know for a fact that, there was a force bigger than me that gave me this as a gift, as hard, difficult, as impossible as it could get for me, just enough for me to overcome. God works in mysterious ways, he worked and healed me through the love and support of my family and loved ones, and through all the people, who are like angels to me and situations that had to exist for me to get to where I am right now, and now that I look back on those things, I know he never left and never will leave my side.
God, is THE OG, a real one. He doesn’t care if you believe in him or not. He doesn’t care if you’re GOOD or BAD, or BOTH. God loves us, for no reason apparently, just because. He loves us because HE is love, as simple as that. A SUPERIOR POWER that loves us because we are his kids, and he’s an unconditionally loving father.
Yes, superior…There are just some things that are not up to me, and I fully get that. I can do my best, hustle, and struggle hard as I can you know? Give all that I got, execute my best plan, act being the best version of me or whatever and still, some things are NOT up to me, they are just simply NOT. No matter how great and awesome I am or think I am, or my perfect flawless plans, I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING.
It’s Ok if we can’t handle the “God Loves You” talk sometimes.
I can allow myself to complain about life’s complicated, questionable hard stuff, be angry, irritable, sad, coward about it, cry, scream or whatever for a couple of minutes of my life, and then just stop and move on to do my best again, that’s healthy. What it’s not sane at all, is to live my whole life in victim mode. Ok, I do still do that for a couple hours, not minutes I have to be honest, someday it will be minutes that I spend on that fun activity. It’s Ok if we feel whatever, it’s Ok if we can’t handle the “God Loves You” talk sometimes. Feelings are just feelings, and they don’t define us. We are greater than our problems, God is bigger than our feelings, greater than our thoughts, greater than what we think he is. I wish I had control, over everything, I wish. I think that would make me feel safe, but fortunately, I’m not, and accepting that in my life, that I’m 100% in charge got some weight off my shoulders, it’s just not my job. Feelings are just feelings and lessons are just lessons if I don’t learn from them. My job is to learn and unlearn what doesn’t serve my life purpose, my job is to enjoy life, and my job is to inspire and serve others with what God has put in me. He is an awesome teacher, he humbles me every time, and he homeschools me hard! Sit your ass down and let me do my work kind of class. Not fun, because I know I got everything to live the life I want, I know I deserve it and I’m sure I’m going to make it happen. But I’m still momentarily with this feeling of frustration, and bitterness that at some point turns into anger, resentment, and sadness. Humility and Patience, I can’t skip steps. Understanding, accepting, that there’s this thing called divine timing, that everything is perfect, that life always falls, fits PERFECTLY, that everything not only happens for a reason, for a consequence but a DIVINE PURPOSE. Even those things that to our eyes, to our human understanding they’re so fucked up, so wrong, even those sketchy things are perfect, and they don’t care what you think about them.
Gratitude Is The Key To All Doors Of The Universe
I wake up and go to bed thanking him for all the beautiful things of my life, for his generosity, for his protection, for his guidance, for the hardship, for the challenges…Man, for everything, for the food on my plate, for my home, for my family, for my gifts and abilities, for my weaknesses, for my colleagues and friends, for everything. We have earthly needs, worldly stupid needs, so what? I stop chasing purity in perfection, and started embracing my human condition and just enjoying consciously and responsibly everything I can. So what if I can’t control everything, I know what God has done, what he’s doing right now, and will do for me, for others, and for all his creation. I am enough, to his eyes, why can I accept it once and for all as my truth?
He loves me because he made me with his own hands, he knows me too well. He believes in me, no matter what, He is merciful and his grace is enough for me.
We might want things OUR way, OUR WAY, and Only OUR WAY of course, BUT in the end, is up to him. And I’m not perfect, well, I already AM the group of strengths and weaknesses that make me whole, I am perfectly imperfect. So what, if I want to be in control to feel safe, he doesn’t judge me, he continues to love me the way I am, and I continue to try to be better. We can get so frustrated trying to have a perfect life, be the perfect human being.
It got to a point in my relationship with God, that now I accept he sees me the way I see him. Love is love, period. God never judged me and never will, so will would I play the judge role? If I ask for something, he gives me exactly what I NEED, not what I WANT. So, if all he wants me to do, is praise him, to think, feel and act in alignment with Love, so I will, I’ll do my best. I have gained my real identity through my limitations, flaws, gifts, and skills through an intimate relationship with Him.
Crucify Your Idols
Crucify your Idols, offer and release in Gratitude all that is no longer aligned to your Divine Purpose. Surrender to the Unconditional Love of God and Serve this life with Humility, Passion, and Kindness.
I have to accept the fact that I can’t experience my spiritual journey anymore, my life in general, trying to fit into a mold, trying to replicate a pre-established perspective of life, I had to create my own reality. Idealizing the perfect life and running in circles doing what others think is right, made me a slave to those ideals.
Envy is an enemy of happiness, that’s why I had to stop comparing my definition of success with others. They become idols and the true meaning of life is what happens while I’m worshiping all those worldly things. My definition of success should be, what I have accomplished already, what I have overcome, and the person that I am today. I’m whole, I’m already successful, feeding those ideas of failure and emptiness won’t take me where I want to go. Pursuing to act and live based on my core values, and prioritizing myself and my purpose will take me to my goals.
I have to Crucify my Idols every day, and by that I mean, external and internal idols, sacrifice what doesn’t serve my heart anymore, what it’s not aligned with Love. Release and let go with gratitude, all the teachers, and the lessons, the habits, the places, the songs, everything. Embracing humility, vulnerability, and tapping into appreciation, kindness, compassion, and all the wonderful number of feelings aligned to the most powerful energy in the universe, love. That’s where I want to place my attention, my focus.
I let the universe inspire me to be better, but there is not a soul out there I wanna be like.
Trust your nose, Unlearn, and Break the Cycle.
We are our biggest enemy, but our biggest friend as well.
