This is the season when the dark sets in unexpectedly early (4:30pm, are you kidding me?), stripping away any leisure time I can possibly get in the sun, as someone who works a regular 9-5 job. My overcompensating effort to replace all the lightbulbs around me to LED mood lights is very telling for how I'm responding to the seasonal change. The lack of daylight on top of the piercing cold has made me feel more isolated than ever, despite the stable routine of my social life. The drastic change that highlighted the sense of loneliness and sudden need for bonding made me wonder: is this actually a sign that I've been deprived of meaningful connections, but I was too consumed by everything else to notice?
‿̩͙‿ ༺ ♰ ༻ ‿̩͙‿
On a seemingly busy afternoon with back-to-back doctor appointment, I was fortunately (?) able to step outside of my apartment on a work day before the sun disappears on me. It was 30 degrees outside, and streets were surprisingly serene (for new york city) - perhaps it was the calm before the rush hour hit. Somehow the cold made the air incredibly refreshing, and part of me felt relieved that I was able to enjoy sometime outdoor this early on a weekday.
After I finished my first appointment, I had a small pocket of time, so I decided to head to one my favorite coffee shops and read a bit to pass time. I scouted the place quickly for empty seats and fixed my gaze on a vacant couch space, where an old gentleman was seated on the other end, casually typing away on his laptop. We exchanged smiles and light pleasantries before I claimed the spot where I would be cozied up for the next hour. I sunk into the velvety couch, sipped on my perfectly made cappuccino, relishing the ambience and reaching for my Kindle, ready to retreat from the world and dove into my novel. Then it suddenly hit me: when was the last time I actually slowed down, savored the moment without stressing about everything else that was on my mind? There were days that felt like they just blurred into each other and somehow overlapped in my memory - the only thing I could recall was the echoing of what's next while feeling constantly behind. I got so used to rushing to places (and somehow still always late), laser-focusing on making to the next commitment (that I willingly or unwillingly agreed to); repeatedly timing myself and calculating to making sure I have enough time to cram in everything I planned, overwhelming myself with options of what I "could've" been doing.
The reality is, I haven’t felt utterly at ease in a long time, with my mind tethered to the present. It was a moment of unanticipated peace that I didn't know that I had been yearning for. It finally gave me some mental space to collect fragments of my thoughts and let them fall into place. I forgot how liberating and cathartic this feels.
Maybe, I've been taking life too seriously, to the point it paralyzed my thinking. Maybe, I assume there's too much at stake in everything I do, to the point that I was incapable of truly enjoying them (despite reassuring myself otherwise). It's true that when you chase something that doesn’t quite align with what your heart desires, you lose bits of the vision and yourself along the way. Even though I'm progressing faster than ever, there are parts of me from the good ol’ prefrontal-cortex-not-fully-developed days that I miss - moments where I was easily enthralled by anything for the sake of it; moments where my emotion were so raw that I felt the burning need to refine them into something tangible and beautiful. It's about abandoning the illusion of what's worth paying attention to and reconnecting with who I’m meant to be, and what I'm meant to create, without justified restraints. It was me who I lost touch with, and no amount of relationships could fill that void.
Anywho, this is what I envision this little silly blog serves - a safe space for me to invite a more carefree and bold version of myself back into my life. After all, in the midst of AI agents plaguing your timeline, maybe some stream-of-consciousness nonsense from a random internet girl who's neck-deep in quarter-life crisis will entertain you, even just for a second.
