At the end of 2022, a few days after returning home from Miami for performances during Art Basel, I had a persistent earache that I didn't think much of. I knew I had pushed past my limits.
But on the evening of December 14th, my world changed forever. I had just completed an interview as a featured artist for a podcast series when I noticed something felt really off.
I was ice cold and when I tried to drink a glass of water, it ran down my chin. I looked in the mirror to find that the right side of my face was fully paralyzed. Very concerned, I whispered to my husband that something wasn't right and trying to not alarm our child, I burst into tears as fear consumed me.
I received a late night prescription from our family doctor and was told to go to urgent care first thing in the morning. Unable to close my right eye, eat or drink, I was definitely terrified. The following morning I received the diagnosis, it was Ramsay Hunt Syndrome.
I'd never heard of it, even though it had been in pop culture news because six months prior, Justin Bieber announced that he was healing from the same illness. I found a TikTok video of his announcement and was shocked at the similarity in our expressions.
It was a hellish experience not being able to blink, eat, drink, speak, or smile. Ugh, how I missed my smile. It broke my heart to hear my child express their fear of me dying or never recovering. I felt like I was living behind a mask and inside a shell of myself.
I slept with an eye patch, rested, hydrated and did physical therapy facial exercises. My husband had done all of the researching for me to help me maintain a positive mindset and it wasn't until months later that I learned many people never regain their facial movements.
At my two week checkup, my face was no longer paralyzed and my doctor said I was healing exceptionally well. I was optimistic that this would pass quickly and my normal life would resume.
About a week later, I was hit with the next wave of intense symptoms and they turned out to be the hardest to heal from. Extreme vertigo and imbalance led to a total loss of my autonomy and life as I knew it was wiped away in an instant. This was a dark period and I was unsure if I would fully recover. I dug deeper than I ever knew I could, to pull myself through. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my husband and child. Truly.
Somehow in the midst of this place, I was able to create a song called SHAKE and share it with the world. Nobody outside of my immediate family fully knew what I was going through, but the support reignited my passion to continue as an artist.
In March, I went outside for the first time, after months of being inside. Looking into the horizon made me so dizzy, but the fresh air and blue sky made me feel alive. With symptoms having plateaued, my doctor referred me to a physical therapist to work through the vertigo.
I was dedicated to the daily practices I was prescribed and within a few weeks, began to have some relief from vertigo. This was a turning point and although I felt like I was crawling, I was coming back to life.
In July, I drove again for the first time. I went to a Real Salt Lake game, I went swimming and even saw Barbie in theater. All things that were inaccessible to me just a few months prior. I stayed mostly unplugged since looking at a screen or talking on the phone would trigger symptoms. This is something I still deal with.
I've let go and accepted that life is different now. I'm still recovering from lingering symptoms and loss of income, but I'm incredibly hopeful that my future is bright. For the past few months I've been reintegrating and finding my new normal. I have a better relationship with social media and the ways I engage. I won't allow myself to be pulled from my center again.
In hindsight, I can see the ways this experience has served as a redirection. I have received clarity and wisdom to focus on what matters most. I returned to practices that make me feel alive, like singing and dancing and drawing outside in the sunlight. I am grateful to be here, to be able to create and to connect with others again. It's been a long road to get here.
Thank you for reading and if I can share any parting advice from this story it's this - please listen to your body. The hustle will go on and taking time to rest is a gift to yourself and those you love.
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