Your whole life, you have been told how to feel. By society, by family, by school or work and by friends. Maybe even by yourself. The world makes you think you have to 'fit in'. It is time to lose the emotional shackles. Let your self be, let your self feel, let yourself live. The important thing for me is how you feel, finding smiles and being able to like the person looking back at you in the mirror.
If you don't feel like you can like the person in the mirror, that's OK. You aren't alone and you have been taught to not like yourself. That feeling then gets validated, by society and by ourselves. When we conform to someone, or something, else's image of us, we tell ourselves that the limited credit/praise/rush is a good thing. The chemicals our brains release, encourage us to chase the validation. I spent a long time chasing.
I think I know a few of the reasons for this. One of them, I suppressed my feelings. I ignored them, or shut them out. And not from the rest of the world. From myself. I told myself I shouldn't be feeling a certain way. One of the things I did throughout my teens and twenties was suppress my anger (there has to be a controlled outlet for releasing anger, but it still needs to be released). All of this, and more, made me want acceptance from others because I wasn't accepting myself.
I spent 34 years not liking the guy looking back in the mirror, and when I reflect, there was nothing wrong with him. I thought I was dealing with my emotions because I am articulate and I was talking about them. Looking back I can see how little I understood of myself at the time, and what I was doing was expressing what I thought other people wanted to hear.
There is a huge difference between talking about your emotions and feeling them. For me, I had to learn to accept that my feelings were valid. That it was OK to feel any emotion from anger to ecstasy, from resentment to celebration or from sorrow to joy. All of those feelings are valid feelings and we are allowed to feel them. It is our actions that hold the impact, not the emotion. And anger is a great example of this.
How many times have you acted in anger and been happy with the outcome from that action? I am struggling to think of a scenario where that is the case for me when another person was involved. Now I go and dig a hole, or destroy something for a friend and if physical work isn't an option, I will go for a long walk. Personally, I find the act of doing something physical that has an outcome, is very helpful. And it takes the reaction away from another person. The reaction is my physical output.
Another way I feel my emotions is by expressing them to people in the moment. This used to be mum. She was always there, no matter the emotion. Always willing to listen, pick me up if I needed it and tell me when I was being a fool. I am very blessed to have some incredibly close friends I can do that with now. All of them in a different way, and none of them replace mum but they have helped fill the void and I will be forever grateful for those people.
How do I express the emotions I am feeling? This is something that I now find a lot easier. I have that understanding that it is OK to feel, I accept me and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have always invested heavily in what I do. I want to be the best I can be at it (I believe this one of the reasons I feel the expectation pressure I do). To answer the question, I express emotion in several ways.
I will write a limerick or some poetry. This helps me express that feeling there and then, even if it doesn't make sense later. I will often write a Tweet and save it to drafts (and then maybe delete it), or I will then reformulate that Tweet when I am less emotional and convey my emotions, feelings and thoughts in a more productive way. Sometimes I will send the Tweet. I will send voice notes to multiple people, or call them. Often these calls are vents in terms of anger, exasperation or moaning.
I wrote a lot of poetry after mum passed away last year. I have written some here and there since but the overwhelming desire to put words down comes in the form of my blog. I express here as much as anywhere, often in a considered manner, but it is expression. I think this is healthy and allows me to reflect on the in the moment emotions I had on a weekly basis.
It has not been an easy journey to get to this point where I am comfortable feeling my emotions and feeling your emotions means that you feel them. Highs are higher than they have ever been, but lows can be incredibly deep. Those accountability people are vitally important in both of those moments. Sometimes you need a hug, others a kick. The right people know when the time is right for both.
This isn't a journey that I have completed. I have to work on accepting and feeling my emotions every single day. It started with self acceptance and that started with my list of 7 things to do daily. I have shared it before, maybe I do a 'deep dive' into it soon, we will have to see if the feeling to write about it in depth finds me any time soon!
You only ever have to go to sleep with one person. Only one person has to look back in the mirror. One person is going to keep you company for the rest of your life. Be happy with that person and work on being the best version of you, you can be. It's worth it. It helps you work out what you should care about and why. It helped me figure out where I should be going and gave me pointers on how to get there.
Why did I want to talk about emotions and feeling them? I have had to pack up my flat this week and move things into storage. And I've have been unable to find another place to live locally. The housing market in the UK is tough for buying or renting so I am turning into a bit of a digital nomad and stopping with family whilst I sort myself out. I hope I end up back in Bideford, or near. The river is magical.
I am also questioning my worth a bit. Some immense things have happened in the last 2 months and it can be a struggle to get my head round these things. I have had moments of understanding that maybe I am more intelligent than I thought whilst at the same time realising that I am not as intelligent as I thought. If it sounds like a paradox, it is a little!
With the rapid growth I have seen in this space (and not just in terms of personal profile but other things, specifically Polygon Alliance right now), these moments of questioning am I enough will happen. It's how I answer the question and knowing the the question comes up less than it ever did. And this is my answer. I am good enough, if I wasn't, I wouldn't be here. I celebrate my achievements. They are reminders of what my not enough is capable of, then maybe I realise it was enough all along!
These are my thoughts on my battles. Everyone's battles will be different and no two journeys are the same. There is no intention to tell anyone what do to, rather sharing some of my road towards self acceptance. I hope that I can help some people express and feel their emotions in a manner that is more beneficial to them. Either way, I have enjoyed taking a deeper look at this.
I have the words (and possibly an image) for my 300 subscriber NFT. I hope an email to my first 300 subscribers will be sent next week about that and with an update about the next steps for my brand. In the mean times, thank you for spending your time with me today, wish me safe travels and I will catch you all next Friday.
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