It's been two months!!! I can't wait to share that, today marks my 22nd year on this beautiful Earth!!
Ah, it feels so good to say it out loud.
Those who know me well might be surprised, as I've been quite down on my birthdays for years, drowning in thoughts like "I've wasted another year" and "Time flies so fast, life seems meaningless".
What has caused such a significant change in me? In this letter, I will use the transformation from "inferiority in my writing ability" to "unlimited self-confidence in self-expression" as an example to explain how I went from dissatisfaction, giving up, and helpless acceptance to actively celebrating and loving my whole existence.
In my previous letter, I mentioned several times that "my writing ability is not good and writing is painful". For the past two months, a stubborn tumor in my brain has been screaming every day: your writing ability is just too poor, you can never write.
Especially when I entered the writing stage of my graduation thesis, writing became increasingly painful. At its worst, my language function seemed to be impaired, I couldn't speak a word in front of my professor, and I couldn't write any logical sentences on the keyboard (I managed to get by by listing all the words I wanted to write and letting ChatGPT combine them).
If it were me two months ago, I might write: this inferiority originates from my consistently poor Chinese grades since junior high school...
Hehe, now, I don't need to lay out my lengthy past to try to justify the legitimacy of my emotions.
The transformation occurred during my first session with the life coach, Ali.
When Ali guided me to connect with my emotions and physical sensations, she didn't ask me to describe "what kind of feeling it is" in words, but guided me to describe: where the feeling is, what shape it is, what it feels like; what kind of picture it is...
Those who know me know that my brain has always used visual thinking, not abstract textual concepts. When I need to express in language, my thinking must go through a translation step from image to text, or rely on muscle memory. This is why I can't talk to myself, because when I converse with myself, it's a direct exchange of images. It gives me a rich imagination, but this beautiful part has been gradually worn away in daily academic life, social expression, and various abstract training, turning into extreme self-deprecation of my language and logical abilities.
So, when I slowed down in the session, not trying to express in language, but to capture, fix, and try to depict those images with specific words, I realized that there were so many intuitions, so many inspirations, and so many subtle feelings and emotions that were overlooked in the process of abstraction hidden in those images. At the same time, I also found that it was those indescribable images that laid the foundation for my strong intuition, guiding my direction in a mysterious way. If I had the ability to think logically and abstractly instead of visually, I would not have been able to create those artworks, and my past life would definitely have been different.
Under Ali's guidance and encouragement, after feeling that my visual imagination was recognized and affirmed, my inferiority melted away, I was reborn, blooming, and shining---
And when I embraced my rich imagination, the blocked language pipeline was also cleared-----inspiration and intuition gushed out. Look, just like this, the words flowing from the tip of the pen, drawing lines of golden clouds.
I didn't completely change, transform into a completely new person. I will always inherit the previous me.
I just no longer hide or try to add more. The only thing I need to is releasing my distinctive personal charm without reservation.
Last week, I attended a contemporary dance class for the first time. There were many students in the class with dance experience. When everyone was doing the same movement, it was obvious that compared to me, their movements were full of power and clean.
But, I didn't feel any shyness or inferiority at all. The strongest emotion I had at the time was: my movements are so "me"! They are both sunny and flexible, explosive and inclusive; although they do not conform to the aesthetics of traditional dance, no one can dance like me; I can fully express my personality in my body movements!
I danced more and more happily. The choreographer laughed as he watched me: your movements are so interesting! After class, a classmate wrote to me: your straightforward performance is very natural. The most beautiful appraise I have ever heard.
So far, I have been constantly exploring the roots and reasons behind the forms and behaviors shown in my self-discovery. What used to be like liquid acid, constantly eroding every corner of my soul, constantly stinging my daily life. "If I had done this then, I wouldn't be like this now", "I should have been more...", "There's no way, it's just my growing experience."
For example, in the letter of "#5 A Confession of my Poor Mindset", I was exploring the reasons behind my "unhealthy" behavior. Although I found a path to healing and a pillar of change, I was still entangled in the negative emotion of "I must change this bad mentality"; it wanted to desperately break free from the past. But the more it struggled, the more sulfuric acid was spilled over the entire space of the soul.
But when I discovered that I could love any form of myself completely, those heavy liquids gradually floated up, evaporated, and turned into droplets, steam, bubbles; they still exist, but I no longer struggle—I can fully enjoy every second of soaking in it, observing the colors refracted in their constant collisions.
So, there's no need to chase or regret anything anymore.
Although my abs and triceps are not bad when I had continuously workout, the chubby me now is super cute!
Although the delicate and flawless skin when consciously sun-protecting is great, the deep brown face with pimples now is natural!
Although switching between different vintage clothes is super fashionable, wearing a single Muji outfit is super comfortable!
Although working hard to complete all tasks is super admirable, it's also interesting to laze around and empty my mind!
I no longer hold any dissatisfaction, regret, shame, or pity for any stage of me; instead, it is a kind of complete, unconditional love———love for the clumsiness, ignorance, stumbling, and changeability of me as a vibrant life.
Finally, let me shout out loud for myself: Happy 22nd Birthday to me!!
Thank you to my life itself for bringing me 8030 days of rich experiences.
And thank you to you who have read to this point, willing to use either 5 seconds or 10 minutes of reading time to sense the joyfulness of my existence———
May every present moment of you and me be full, satisfied, and peaceful.
June 11, 2023
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